Tag Archives: Stripper

i’m in [heart] with a stripper…

7 Mar

*teleports in* heyya, sorry ive been super busy with [insert boring shit here]. I’m just here for a minute or two…

i think…

we should all strip for the people who bang us once in a while,

there is a difference between removing each other’s attire (i wanted to spell it “ataya”…) and stripping…like them hohos do it…using whipped cream….and a turkey baster…(im getting carried away….*cough)

so…put some overly romantic music on, throw on some clear heels (guys, you can throw on some clear heels if you like, whatever floats your boat), and proceed to take off your clothes in a way that if your parents found out, they will take you for deep deliverance…

*****RELEASE UR INNER HOE******

to do for the week:

strip to “hey mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey mickey *clap clap* hey mickey *clap clap*“, I’m not quite sure how many calories you will burn but if you aren’t careful, you might end up hanging from a ceiling fan 😐

so the other day right, i was tryna release my inner ermmm ‘word i mentioned above’…cos i heard they have the most fun…

actually wait lemme play out the scenario

*words in the asterisks are my thought bubbles*

him: *removing his clothes and making funny sounds*

me: *this guy thinks i’m just gonna lie there and take it today, no no no*

him: hey baby *kiss* i’ve missed you sooooo bad, come here let daddy show you what he’s made off

me: *THE FUCK* ermmmm

him: *groans* *more groans* *more words that i swear i was not listening to*

me: *holy shit, how did i end up on my back again, this missionary thing will be the death of me…*

him: baby, u wanna climb on me

me: *this guy doesn’t know its impolite to talk while i’m tryna remember those kamasutra moves i googled yesterday* *climbs on top*

him: *more groans*

me: *so the site said i should put my left knee cap under the right hip bone….errr….and my shoulders are supposed to be arched and facing downward in a….ughh*

him: yea baby, just like that

me: wait wait *lemme just move him into a position where…..* OWWWW u r crushing my lungs *cough* gerrof me

him: but you are the one moving me about…blah blah yaddi yadda

me: shut up 😐 i’m tryna think *ungrateful brat, i’m here busting my balls…*

him: …

8 seconds later…

me: *HOLY FUCK, how did i end up in the missionary position again?!  this is some bullshit* *sigh*

ALLOW GOOGLING GUYS! ALLOW THAT SON OF A BITCH…*sigh*

i’m done with google’s guide to a better kpansh, i’m there busy tryna remember the third paragraph on the second page of cosmo on how to….mehn fuck that…

also, ‘thinking impedes orgasm’…FACT! ur man is there putting in work, doing some jack hammer austin powers stuvs that has got ur phone vibrating, tryna give you the big O, while you’re there lost in thought and then you wonder why you don’t cum…in the words of a very wise man…you are doing yourself!

i’m not saying dont spice it up o, mehn use bay leaves if you like….but people like me, who generally suck at basic shit, should just do it like they do on the discovery channel…

(i’m still gonna read that cosmosutra till i get it right, i will just insure my teeth and my bones first…)

p.s. i tot i should share a couple of google searches i came across (i did not google this i swear)-

“what can meth do to your vagina”

“mime porn”

“Midget porn (ironic capital M)”

“octopus porn”

“porn for the blind”…

😐

any stories u wanna share? what have you been googling? common guys… i promise i won’t judge….

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