Tag Archives: Advice

old McDonald had a farm *whistling*

28 Mar

soooooo i promised i would bring my ass back and chat some randoms for a minute….here goes

i did something last week, i was bored, so i got up…. went into the shower and did something that made me feel empowered…. (im not telling…..)

also, try not to ask me about the meaning of this post, just don’t…

i was doing my google rounds as i always do… typing in random shit and tryna be as unproductive as i possibly could when i stumbled onto a page that said “How to Increase Your Semen Production”……WAIT how to increase what????

and then i proceeded to spend the next 5mins of my life reading about semen enhancers talking about “how to shock a woman with your enormous semen production” and all i could think of was “end times yo, rapture is fast approaching”

hi guys, if you’re reading this, lemme just clarify yeah, we actually DO NOT want that, errr yeah i know u r doing this for us and its the thought that counts or is it action speaks louder than words or whatever but try chill please… the fact that you want to drown your partner/lover/side chic with bucket-loads of semen is making me want to embrace lesbianism. with open arms.

…unless you’re in the porn industry and in that case, leave your name and number below, i have a couple of questions….maybe we can errr meet up *cough*

i have never heard a woman complain that “the sex would be a whole lot better if only he made more semen”….never, and trust me, in my many many years on this earth i have heard a lot of women complain about the absolute dumbest shit ever….but never that.

if anything, if you guys could stop producing semen until we actually need it, that would be great, i mean seriously…fucking up my sheets and shit, after sex, y’all be saying “im not sleeping on that side of the bed”, huh? nucca who’s dna is dat? and it does not exactly taste like lollipops and sunshine now does it? just quit it already

if you are not quite sure of things women would prefer rather than having “enhanced semen” chucked on them, we would prefer

flowers,

chocolates,

jewelry,

poison ivy,

boiling acid,

damn near anything is better than that!

(and if ur too broke, doing the house chores for a week would also be appreciated)

no one needs bucket loads of semen, vagina does not condone such behavior

thank me later

:p

p.s again the title makes no sense but writing “stop producing semen” as a title would make me appear mad

p.p.s i know you missed me. *nods* i can tell by that sudden erecti….(i should stop now)

who’s hoohoo is it anyway?

15 Mar

[we interrupt our normal banter to bring you a public service announcement ]

introducing a guest blogger and his post -> Carter

[inspired by a video, parental guidance is advised all over this bitch]

first what is the ‘hoohoo’ (h2 (pussy for the extra slow folks))?

Sir. Issac Newton defined the pussy as the single most powerful controlled substance on the face of this planet, the ultimate ‘gateway drug‘ if you know what i mean,

why h2 works?

h2 is the gift that keeps on giving if used correctly, literally everything a man does is for the attention of some kitty *meow*, i would use baby oil & chapstick on my dry lips if it guarantees me some pussy later, i’ll even shave my pubes and bedazzle it if that’s what she’s into, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, i don’t even mind some ‘pity sex’ just as long as its sex…

however though, some women just do not know how to use it….you can have the maybach of all kitties, but if u don’t know how to use it… then the h2 aint nothing but another car, with the keys in the ignition… that every nucca can access

when i say some females don’t know how to use it, i don’t mean in performance, cos some of you got that reverse cowboy on lock, like crystal from last night……hmmmm crystal

anyways

what i mean is you need to learn how you can directly benefit from it 100%, paying attention to the fact that abuse of h2 can lead to a drop in value especially during these economic meltdown times (and by abuse i mean, if u throw your ish around like fucking sunshine or if u have that buy one get one free bonanza….smh)

if you’re always blaming yourself for fucking the wrong nuccas, talking bout ‘i don’t understand why this shit keeps happening to me’, then u have poor hoohoo management skills,

if you’ve stayed in an abusive relationship talking about “he’s gonna change, i just know he loves me”, then u have poor hoohoo management skills,

heck, if i’ve ever fucked you, you definitely have poor hoohoo management skills,

now we all know that dick is  nowhere near as powerful as the yoni, but it does hold a specific power -> mind control a.k.a dickwhipism

i was talking to my friend the other day, i wont mention her name because she knows where i live and black bitches be crazy yo,

she told me she got the best dick she’s ever…EVER had ,…eventually when he called her after ages of dead silence, he just literally wanted them to meet…. and fuck

he’s saying shit like “lets take it slow and see where this leads”, that’s some bullshit, i have never met a man who told a girl he wanted to date “lets take it slow” *spit*, if you have, try check that man’s body for spare female parts

now understand that this is a girl who wants to be in a r/ship and is catching feelings and he’s clearly not down for that. and she’s asking me if she should go meet up with him…hop in a cab, then on a train, then on the underground, defeat the underground wolf, then hitchhike through the amazon forest, canoe through river thames, then walk a block or two, to his apartment, to fuck him and then what??? i have to ask…..who’s hoohoo is it anyway?

and if its yours, ….#pause

how to tell if the kitty is yours?

1) if you can reach down and grab the kitty whenever you feel like….feels good dont it? yeaaaa…..

2) if you can take a pic of it

3) (optional but advised) if you can send that pic my way…

#unpause

why in the world does he have so much control over it

dickwhipism is NOT CUTE ladies

and u know, that i know, that u know that i know that y’ll been dumb over a dick at least once in your life time, and some of y’ll are dumb over one right now…and y’ll are disappearing on your girlfriends, cutting classes, some of y’ll are doing the most, flying over to see the nucca and things

[side-eye at Zara]

bottomline: its like politics, you gotta figure out ‘where you’re gonna press ya hand’ before you step in the booth, make him work for it, sign a pre-brapage contract, heck consult your local babalawo supply store

and to the pussy whipped guys out there, i dey hail; if you’re a straight guy & u let your girl jam her fingers up your a**hole during sex, u my friend r pussy whipped…..,

so, are you whipped? have you ever been whipped? or do you believe its a myth like my virginity? come now don’t be shy, the world is ending soon… everyone pitch in with ideas to help your friends in need 😉

signed:

Dick & Pussy Whipped Awareness Project (D.P.W.A.P )

Carter

XX vs XY

9 Mar

(inappropriate introduction here)

so i’m on twitter today, eating cereal, just minding my business, then all of a sudden, the TT changes to #typeofsex, and i felt like that was my calling for the day, so i quickly put on my cape and shiny underpants, pull out my gadget and start saving the day…

at this point i feel like saying that this blog is not gonna be 100% about sex *cough*

so seeing as men and women are so awesomely painfully different, i have noticed that different sex positions appeal to each; i like it one way, he prefers it the other :|. i was gonna put a poll up and get proper research done (cos u know, im wearing the cape and saving the day and all of that goodness), but i already know how unresponsive u, yes U guys can be…

so i’m just gonna pull from my vast experiences and some random tweets and freestyle up in this b****

so here goes nothing…

top sex types/positions for women:

1. the one with champagne, chocolates (as if this affects the sex in any way), rose petals sprinkled on the bedding, candles. …, Gerald butler is also there, and sometimes, your man leaves the two of you alone…and its just you and Gerald…

2. the one where im propped up on the kitchen counter, and its hot and sweaty and grimy and hes doing the dishes also, and vacuuming the floor,  and if he can’t multitask, he can do the dishes first…the kpanshing part is optional

3. missionary position (whoop whoop), why? because we get to lie on our backs, and suck in the belly fat, and we can move our arms in ways that seem to make us overly sexy, and he doesn’t get to grab the indian remi weave (best part), and the boobs look perky and ambitious, this position removes 10pounds guaranteed. its like live photoshop…

4. reverse cowgirl, reverse rocketboy, any position that can be reversed really…

5. the one where your comfortable enough to fart during sex without judgement. because really, if that option is not available, you’re just gonna b there, holding it in….thinking its just gonna pop out anytime, and that can be really traumatizing…*stops self from emotional breakdown*

6. the one where I’m with someone I love and who loves and respects me right back. when this happens time stops, puppies make cute sounds, you guys stare in each others eyes. some people go as far as saying they had more than sex, a deeper connection yadi yadi yadda. Or with the cucumber

top sex types/positions for men:

1. The one where he gets to have sex.

did i miss anything?

…here’s the thing about starvation

25 Feb

{i’m supposed to be writing a literature review, so, shhhhhh}

what I really meant to type up there was – here’s the thing about not having sex, but I didn’t want the heading to be as shallow as the content; the art of deception *hehe*

so where does all the blood go to? I mean seriously, once a day the blood in your body is supposed to flow down south and…you know…aid in [cannot find an appropriate word for what is going on in my head]

inner child – Zara I think the word you are looking for here is orgasm

oh yeah, thanks, orgasm… so isn’t ‘lack of orgasms’ bad for you or something? like an orgasm is part of your ‘five a day’..no? I understand that there are virgins and celibacy and all of that good good, but that’s a life style choice and the blood in their body is cool with that.

but the rest of us, that didn’t choose to be in this position, but have found ourselves stuck here because of the lemons that life has handed us…..I really think we should consider donating blood.

and isn’t there a thing such as ‘semen weight’? guys? I’m sure there is! like it’s just chilling in your body, alongside the water weight, and folks are just getting fat for no reason. I mean, some of the men I know work out and eat salads and things, but the kilos just keep piling on….. and i know you want to blame the heineken and budweiser and things, but leave beer out of this, this is between you and your swimmers.

some of us cannot even call it a sex-‘life’ anymore, just checked, mine just flatlined on the EKG monitor *sigh*

also… there really isn’t plenty of fish in the sea anymore, and i must admit i’m too picky for my own good… i want a blowfish, a goldfish and a piranha to have an orgy and reproduce and i’m sure u catch my drift…

did you know that 1.) Cucumbers are a fruit, and 2.) There exists a special variety of cucumber seed. This variety of seed hails from a pure lineage, having survived for thousands of years, avoiding…….*cough*

i know I’ve left some valid points out, so yeah, if you have any…lemme know

my cucumber says hi 😛