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to fly or to fall…

20 Apr

im prolly not gonna broadcast this post, or proof read it for that matter, its just rolling of the top of my head and for some reason, this is its exit…

the fear of failure sucks, it. just. sucks. so. hard.

i find faults in everything i do, i instantly hate everything i do, i am a chief worrier (i think this position should come with a gun and a badge, but those police folks are playing hard ball)

and im not even talking about relationships, cos i never win there, apparently its something with the way the sun reflects on my hair that makes me look like a ho….. i just dont understand it

but yeah,

the truth of the matter is that i prolly need to grow up (but i would never start using capital letters, that shit is for the birds)…or something like that, and get used to falling and getting back up again as opposed to falling and dying there which is kinda how i operate,

anyways, i decided to call my paranoia ‘Ben’, since he’s gonna be here for a while… say hi to Ben guys….

dont call me crazy.

brb

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unknown*

4 Apr

what have I done…*I could feel my heart pounding the walls of my chest, almost as if it also was trying to get away from me* I looked around the room, the glare from the street light outside looked eerie, mocking me….I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself, all I could see was his face, his eyes, haunting me…

“common don’t be a loser yemi” bisola told me, “its deji’s birthday, finally I get to be in the same room with him without it being considered stalking and God knows you are coming with me”

“dude, why do you want me there” I asked her, “I’m literally no fun, I do not drink or smoke or shag for that matter….yes o, call it what u want, im saving myself for marriage and im so not interested in changing that tonite”

“Look, she said, you got invited, I didn’t, his brother likes you, for god know what reason….and you get to bring a guest…. so if not for anything, do it for me, I haven’t been with someone inna hot minute and…..”

*blah blah blah I thought to myself, bisola could talk for hours, I might as well just give in and go…anything to shut this girl up…maybe ill slip out of the party early…yes, that’s what il do…..* ok bisola oooo, I have heard, il come……

the sound of the music was driving me crazy, immediately we got here, bisola had vanished and I had been sitting alone in the corner gawking for the longest time now…I looked down at the drink leke, deji’s brother had brought me, we had had an argument earlier and he eventually convinced me that one drink wouldn’t hurt… I was so over this party, I had some econometrics problems to solve in the morning…I took one last gulp of the drink, I couldn’t taste the alcohol so yeah, it wasn’t that bad…grabbed my purse and tried to find my footing…*wow, what the hell, why in the world is my head spinning* I thought as I left the party

*one step in front of the other, just keep walking yemi* I could hear footsteps behind me but I refused to turn back…. as I felt the pain come jolting through my back, my face hit the pavement

“Ouch stop that, you’re hurting me….pls…PLEASE”, I struggled “I have done nothing wrong I yelled, I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG”….i whimpered as I blacked out again

*no yemi, you have been through this once before, you cannot let yourself be a victim again, my mind spun as I thought of all the nights my stepdad would sneak into my room and have his way with me, he would ram his cock up me so hard with one hand over my mouth, he would explode inside me and leave me there, shaking, every night….NO, I CANT LIVE THROUGH THIS AGAIN* as he struggled to pull his pants down, I pushed the man off me and ran, I had no idea where the hell I was, out one door and through the next I could hear his footsteps chasing right after me…I looked around the room, there was a table…I ran towards it, and grabbed whatever my hand could reach, he grabbed me, spun me around as the object in my hand came crashing down his neck….once, twice, thrice….i stabbed it….him, over and over till I could no longer feel anything

*the bloody envelope opener fell from my hand and hit the floor as the reality of what i had just done hit me*

Leke’s lifeless eyes looked up at me, his blood splattered everywhere…i stood there shaking, the door to the room creaked further as a person walked in, face hidden in the shadows, calm, crooked, cold….

*please God where the hell am I*