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i wonder what else is on tv *click, click, scratch, click*

18 Aug

i got lost people, i fucking got lost

dammit its a cold world out there booboos, like one minute i was walking into my wardrobe to pick out errmmm… stuff… and the next minute me and Aslan the Great Lion are having this conversation about raping hobos and the whole thing just got so confusing and i couldn’t find my way back..

for months..

and then i was like “help me obi wan kenobi, you are my only hope”, and he came looking fine as shit and well… we found another use for his lightsaber *sorry cucumber*

but still, i was scared as fuck, and none of you perverts came to look for me, and i was gonna leak my sex tape, i changed my mind, that’s what u get!!!

*blank stare*

so anyways, while i was in the canyons of good-luck-getting-out-ville, things grew and grew and this morning i looked down at myself and discovered that it’s a jungle down there, i wont be surprised if tarzan is swinging  his d*** from hair to longer hair down there right now.

i mean, i could die right now and how would they bury me? with unruly vag hair? i cant go out like that, and im not sure if there are razors in heaven, i havent received the nigerian’s guide to faaj in heaven yet… so…

i mean i could always just go get a brazilian but the last time i was there, you know how they put the wax on and you’re like oh FML and you clench your bum and the babe pulls the strip and out of nowhere, a huge fart emerges… like… that happened so many times to errmm… a person i know that the manager had to put an additional charge for inhaling dangerous fumes. i’m too broke for such lifestyle

and every time i use a razor right, its good for the first three hours and then you start itching like ‘the crabs are on tour in your vag’, i mean pulling your thong out of your ass is one thing, but trying to code a vag itch is quite another, when he’s on top of you and you put your hands down there to scratch, that’s the end… there’s no coming back from that people.

also, when the hair starts to grow back, which is like the fucking very next day, *facepalm* and its so sharp it’s wrecking the guy’s instrument during coitus (/ˈkō-itəs/:  who came up with this word?), i mean sharp enough that you can use it to slice yam, not that i’ve ever tried this before… i just walk around without pants in my kitchen, no big deal.

also, i just wanted to let you guys know that the story about the “burning bush” has absolutely nothing to do with setting your vag on fire, its is NOT a HAIR REMOVAL TECHNIQUE. don’t ask me how i know this, just know that there was weed involved and one of my mates holding a lighter was like “duuuuude do you know that hair burns really fast *giggle*”, and maybe chris was set on fire… still burns when i pee *cough*

so while we ponder about the depth of today’s post, remember that the hair is still growing and if i cant come up with a solution, i would wrap it in a bun …so if you see a bulge in my pants, it’s not a penis… #earlyonsetDISCLAIMER!!!

any one else in this same predicament?

also how do you feel about the infamous hairless penis? SERIOUSLY i need answers…. *sips jack daniels*

HUG?

blow my whistle baby

p.s. new name for my band – 3OH!3MonthsWithoutGettingLaid, if you know how to play the strings, apply within *cough*

please leave a message after the *beeeeeeeeeeep*

1 Jun

dear milicent,

i have a serious dilema, my man cums too fast. and the sad part is that he has this super huge dick, and its curved to the side, and when i first saw it i was under the impression that he was gonna bang my brains out….please help.

ms. anti-cum-quat

as you may have noticed, i changed my name to milicent, i feel like the name speaks to my soul (either that or i hacked milicent’s email…believe what you want). this email is just one amongst tons i have received throughout my life, talking about the issue of a man and his sperm-timing, so lets get right to it shall we

there are prolly two types of men that get under my skin…

A) the ones that like to play “maybe i knacked u, maybe i didnt”. freaking frustrating, like why did u even bother. your long curved dick misled me and for that im going to sue, thats two seconds of my life im never getting back…TWO SECONDS. no but seriously guys, whats up with that? no one wants to play where’s waldo in bed, freaking get in and make yourself comfortable, take off your shoes, put the TV on… good things cum to those who wait…or are patient ….or something like that, dude i forgot.

or is your penis a russian spy?

or maybe its the vagina, maybe your anaconda *yeah right* is afraid of the vagina…. in that case you want to start attending “be the penis everyone wants you to be” classes…

B) post-mature ejaculation (a.k.a the act of just being plain ol’ gay). *side eye at igbo men* omyDAYSSSSSSS, we have been knacking for three hours now, and hes telling me “yeah, ‘oney…u like that”, no o, i have been praying “dear Lord, send down the cum…”. when we are not nacking for the olympics, some men are so impossible, they want to buy market and live there sef, like nucca i gotta go take a piss…hurry the fuck up.

once my friend told me her man cannot cum unless he touches himself after sex……..i dont think i can handle that o, so after everything, u…u mean to tell me….u mean to tell me….in this very lagos….nahhhhh

so whats the point of this post yeah?
wait before you go, have you ever been knaking and your weave falls off? no? me neither….

*sips sprite*

disclaimer: i am in no way affiliated with sprite, the product was purchased by myself for my own personal use.  thank you

(sorry bout the month+ delay, i have no reason…well except….nah, i got nothing)

hi saeon  and oyeboom *waves*

old McDonald had a farm *whistling*

28 Mar

soooooo i promised i would bring my ass back and chat some randoms for a minute….here goes

i did something last week, i was bored, so i got up…. went into the shower and did something that made me feel empowered…. (im not telling…..)

also, try not to ask me about the meaning of this post, just don’t…

i was doing my google rounds as i always do… typing in random shit and tryna be as unproductive as i possibly could when i stumbled onto a page that said “How to Increase Your Semen Production”……WAIT how to increase what????

and then i proceeded to spend the next 5mins of my life reading about semen enhancers talking about “how to shock a woman with your enormous semen production” and all i could think of was “end times yo, rapture is fast approaching”

hi guys, if you’re reading this, lemme just clarify yeah, we actually DO NOT want that, errr yeah i know u r doing this for us and its the thought that counts or is it action speaks louder than words or whatever but try chill please… the fact that you want to drown your partner/lover/side chic with bucket-loads of semen is making me want to embrace lesbianism. with open arms.

…unless you’re in the porn industry and in that case, leave your name and number below, i have a couple of questions….maybe we can errr meet up *cough*

i have never heard a woman complain that “the sex would be a whole lot better if only he made more semen”….never, and trust me, in my many many years on this earth i have heard a lot of women complain about the absolute dumbest shit ever….but never that.

if anything, if you guys could stop producing semen until we actually need it, that would be great, i mean seriously…fucking up my sheets and shit, after sex, y’all be saying “im not sleeping on that side of the bed”, huh? nucca who’s dna is dat? and it does not exactly taste like lollipops and sunshine now does it? just quit it already

if you are not quite sure of things women would prefer rather than having “enhanced semen” chucked on them, we would prefer

flowers,

chocolates,

jewelry,

poison ivy,

boiling acid,

damn near anything is better than that!

(and if ur too broke, doing the house chores for a week would also be appreciated)

no one needs bucket loads of semen, vagina does not condone such behavior

thank me later

:p

p.s again the title makes no sense but writing “stop producing semen” as a title would make me appear mad

p.p.s i know you missed me. *nods* i can tell by that sudden erecti….(i should stop now)

…the wait

16 Mar

the alarm goes off into the darkness

thoughts of you come flooding in

eyes barely open but I can see it so clearly

your curves hover over me, arching and moving in perfect symphony

to the sound of inaudible music playing from a source unknown

in the bleeding cold,

the heat is unbearable,

sweats dripping from my unreal forehead

bodies becoming slaves to the pressures of passion

and we embrace the pain, we welcome it,

we invite it almost with open arms

to the perfect balance of each other,

we hold on for the explosive calmness looming ahead

 

eyes wide open now,

reality’s claws digging into my flesh…deep

to live just on images of my mind,

curves unknown, paths never treaded before

to be nourished by pleasures absent

silhouettes of shadows….

everything turns to darkness under broad daylight

each passing second turning into an eternity of wait

challenging gravity, my mind wanders off again

from your buttocks up through your spine

to the place where authenticity meets fantasy

 

shivers under the duvet,

soon, i told myself…. soon

who’s hoohoo is it anyway?

15 Mar

[we interrupt our normal banter to bring you a public service announcement ]

introducing a guest blogger and his post -> Carter

[inspired by a video, parental guidance is advised all over this bitch]

first what is the ‘hoohoo’ (h2 (pussy for the extra slow folks))?

Sir. Issac Newton defined the pussy as the single most powerful controlled substance on the face of this planet, the ultimate ‘gateway drug‘ if you know what i mean,

why h2 works?

h2 is the gift that keeps on giving if used correctly, literally everything a man does is for the attention of some kitty *meow*, i would use baby oil & chapstick on my dry lips if it guarantees me some pussy later, i’ll even shave my pubes and bedazzle it if that’s what she’s into, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, i don’t even mind some ‘pity sex’ just as long as its sex…

however though, some women just do not know how to use it….you can have the maybach of all kitties, but if u don’t know how to use it… then the h2 aint nothing but another car, with the keys in the ignition… that every nucca can access

when i say some females don’t know how to use it, i don’t mean in performance, cos some of you got that reverse cowboy on lock, like crystal from last night……hmmmm crystal

anyways

what i mean is you need to learn how you can directly benefit from it 100%, paying attention to the fact that abuse of h2 can lead to a drop in value especially during these economic meltdown times (and by abuse i mean, if u throw your ish around like fucking sunshine or if u have that buy one get one free bonanza….smh)

if you’re always blaming yourself for fucking the wrong nuccas, talking bout ‘i don’t understand why this shit keeps happening to me’, then u have poor hoohoo management skills,

if you’ve stayed in an abusive relationship talking about “he’s gonna change, i just know he loves me”, then u have poor hoohoo management skills,

heck, if i’ve ever fucked you, you definitely have poor hoohoo management skills,

now we all know that dick is  nowhere near as powerful as the yoni, but it does hold a specific power -> mind control a.k.a dickwhipism

i was talking to my friend the other day, i wont mention her name because she knows where i live and black bitches be crazy yo,

she told me she got the best dick she’s ever…EVER had ,…eventually when he called her after ages of dead silence, he just literally wanted them to meet…. and fuck

he’s saying shit like “lets take it slow and see where this leads”, that’s some bullshit, i have never met a man who told a girl he wanted to date “lets take it slow” *spit*, if you have, try check that man’s body for spare female parts

now understand that this is a girl who wants to be in a r/ship and is catching feelings and he’s clearly not down for that. and she’s asking me if she should go meet up with him…hop in a cab, then on a train, then on the underground, defeat the underground wolf, then hitchhike through the amazon forest, canoe through river thames, then walk a block or two, to his apartment, to fuck him and then what??? i have to ask…..who’s hoohoo is it anyway?

and if its yours, ….#pause

how to tell if the kitty is yours?

1) if you can reach down and grab the kitty whenever you feel like….feels good dont it? yeaaaa…..

2) if you can take a pic of it

3) (optional but advised) if you can send that pic my way…

#unpause

why in the world does he have so much control over it

dickwhipism is NOT CUTE ladies

and u know, that i know, that u know that i know that y’ll been dumb over a dick at least once in your life time, and some of y’ll are dumb over one right now…and y’ll are disappearing on your girlfriends, cutting classes, some of y’ll are doing the most, flying over to see the nucca and things

[side-eye at Zara]

bottomline: its like politics, you gotta figure out ‘where you’re gonna press ya hand’ before you step in the booth, make him work for it, sign a pre-brapage contract, heck consult your local babalawo supply store

and to the pussy whipped guys out there, i dey hail; if you’re a straight guy & u let your girl jam her fingers up your a**hole during sex, u my friend r pussy whipped…..,

so, are you whipped? have you ever been whipped? or do you believe its a myth like my virginity? come now don’t be shy, the world is ending soon… everyone pitch in with ideas to help your friends in need 😉

signed:

Dick & Pussy Whipped Awareness Project (D.P.W.A.P )

Carter

…here’s the thing about starvation

25 Feb

{i’m supposed to be writing a literature review, so, shhhhhh}

what I really meant to type up there was – here’s the thing about not having sex, but I didn’t want the heading to be as shallow as the content; the art of deception *hehe*

so where does all the blood go to? I mean seriously, once a day the blood in your body is supposed to flow down south and…you know…aid in [cannot find an appropriate word for what is going on in my head]

inner child – Zara I think the word you are looking for here is orgasm

oh yeah, thanks, orgasm… so isn’t ‘lack of orgasms’ bad for you or something? like an orgasm is part of your ‘five a day’..no? I understand that there are virgins and celibacy and all of that good good, but that’s a life style choice and the blood in their body is cool with that.

but the rest of us, that didn’t choose to be in this position, but have found ourselves stuck here because of the lemons that life has handed us…..I really think we should consider donating blood.

and isn’t there a thing such as ‘semen weight’? guys? I’m sure there is! like it’s just chilling in your body, alongside the water weight, and folks are just getting fat for no reason. I mean, some of the men I know work out and eat salads and things, but the kilos just keep piling on….. and i know you want to blame the heineken and budweiser and things, but leave beer out of this, this is between you and your swimmers.

some of us cannot even call it a sex-‘life’ anymore, just checked, mine just flatlined on the EKG monitor *sigh*

also… there really isn’t plenty of fish in the sea anymore, and i must admit i’m too picky for my own good… i want a blowfish, a goldfish and a piranha to have an orgy and reproduce and i’m sure u catch my drift…

did you know that 1.) Cucumbers are a fruit, and 2.) There exists a special variety of cucumber seed. This variety of seed hails from a pure lineage, having survived for thousands of years, avoiding…….*cough*

i know I’ve left some valid points out, so yeah, if you have any…lemme know

my cucumber says hi 😛