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extra space for me….qui?

28 Jun

so i was having this conversation with a boy, maybe we were naked, maybe we werent, maybe we kpanshed…maybe we didnt…the devil is in the details people, so we were conversating (i prefer this word to conversing, i should patent it), and he asked me if i had ever had sex with a guy who has a huge dick… like….

#pause

*looks around room*, is this a trap? this boy is asking me if i had ever had sex with someone with a huge dick right after we may or may not have just had sex… can i exactly say no at his point while his weiner was looking me straight in the eye with that look of “woman, u better recognize…” :(,

tell a lie, im terrified of a mighty huge penis, like when i sex up that old spice guy, you know the “Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back at your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me” guy?

yeah, that guy, when we have sex right, its either his mandingo does not fit or its renders my vag stretched out like a football field, his instrument is similar to that of a horse (maybe that’s why he’s sitting on a horse),

so whats the fascination with it being huge?

but come to think of it, i haven’t seen a stretched out horse’s vagina also, which leads me to believe that 1) all vagina’s are not equal, 2) horse’s have great sex, 3) i want cake

so anyways, i dont think a big dick would stretch out a vjayjay, cos if the vagina pocket can spit out a 7pound breast sucking pervert, then it gats be elastic…..

so why is your vagina loose? you better check yourself…!

p.s. guy mentioned above, if you are reading this… we are meeting up tonite yh? my place or yours (i can use my blog to set p, sue me)

alpha male…not

5 Apr

i tried….i really tried to concentrate on my dissertation but i really just wanna kill my supervisor….

so here i am, again, sharing my random austin powers awesomeness with you guys…yea baby, yea

…dont even try to front like that just didn’t turn u on 😐

so as usual, i carried out proper research you know, with US military funding and the works and below are the top list of things you shouldn’t joke about with your man

his mother – yeah i know she’s a )(&^%$%* and you just can’t understand why she gives you those looks especially since you’ve done nothing wrong to her but telling him that his mother is a bitch will never be funny. trust me. even when you tell him that it was just a joke trying to laugh it off, it wont still be funny. and then you would pay for this during sex…he would cum in like 2 seconds and roll over and sleep. may God punish you ejiro….dick *cough

so where were we…

that time he made out with a he-she by accident in the club *insert heavy laughter*, you should never ever joke about this especially when you know he only said it cos he was drunk and told you this “in confidence” (< igbo name), its even less funny when you slip it in the middle of dinner prayers at his friends house “dear Lord, please forgive…..” maybe cos i was laughing so hard i didnt get to tell the punch line, *sigh*

furthermore (<yes, this is a project word) you should not joke about his food, no your man would not think this is funny, telling him “better say your grace before eating that food”, *name withheld* “oh yeah bitch, IS THAT HOW IT IS NOW, UR TRYNA POISON ME…NO, NO I HAVE TAKEN SUCH GOOD CARE OF YOU, AND U GON PLAY ME LIKE THAT, ITS OVER BITCH…BITCH”, the female: “eh yo, chill men, we at nandos remember….i didnt even touch ur food…..o_O!

also you should not joke about cunnilingus, especially how better his friend is at cunnilingus. Mainly because men don’t actually know what “cunnilingus” means. Then you have to explain that it’s cun·ni·lin·gus (kŭnˌə-lĭngˈgəs), latin for “eating the hoohoo”. And not only is your joke ruined because explaining jokes is just a buzzkill, also he’s angry at you now because you’re cheating on him with his friend, like I don’t know why that is such a big deal. Or maybe he already knew what cunnilingus meant and he’s irked because you just explained it which now makes him feel like a fool. Hell, im just as confused as you are, I had no idea why lanre got angry, like does he think im a mind reader? *sigh*

and yea his penis – unless you’re making a joke about how massive it is, and how “OMG YOUR SHIT IS SO HUGE, IT WONT FIT”, yea that’s fine…cos yeah, they can’t read sarcasm during sex, all the blood has left their brain…, don’t say things like “you’ve got cancer….of the penis”, that’s only funny in your mind (and to the rest of the world).

finally. im taller than you. *name withheld*

so what pisses your man…woman…(insert object) off? what does your partner do that pisses you off?

p.s. i don’t have a partner anymore, some people just can’t take a joke….*sips sprite*

fcuk angry birds*

23 Mar

sorry guys X_X i’ve been super busy with my dissertation and i cannot multitask for shit, im having a problem mono-tasking sef, so i haven’t been able to write a post

but i should be done with my project soon (in my mind), so hopefully i’l have a post for u guys asap

also

its my one month blogiversary *insert carlton dance here*

XX vs XY

9 Mar

(inappropriate introduction here)

so i’m on twitter today, eating cereal, just minding my business, then all of a sudden, the TT changes to #typeofsex, and i felt like that was my calling for the day, so i quickly put on my cape and shiny underpants, pull out my gadget and start saving the day…

at this point i feel like saying that this blog is not gonna be 100% about sex *cough*

so seeing as men and women are so awesomely painfully different, i have noticed that different sex positions appeal to each; i like it one way, he prefers it the other :|. i was gonna put a poll up and get proper research done (cos u know, im wearing the cape and saving the day and all of that goodness), but i already know how unresponsive u, yes U guys can be…

so i’m just gonna pull from my vast experiences and some random tweets and freestyle up in this b****

so here goes nothing…

top sex types/positions for women:

1. the one with champagne, chocolates (as if this affects the sex in any way), rose petals sprinkled on the bedding, candles. …, Gerald butler is also there, and sometimes, your man leaves the two of you alone…and its just you and Gerald…

2. the one where im propped up on the kitchen counter, and its hot and sweaty and grimy and hes doing the dishes also, and vacuuming the floor,  and if he can’t multitask, he can do the dishes first…the kpanshing part is optional

3. missionary position (whoop whoop), why? because we get to lie on our backs, and suck in the belly fat, and we can move our arms in ways that seem to make us overly sexy, and he doesn’t get to grab the indian remi weave (best part), and the boobs look perky and ambitious, this position removes 10pounds guaranteed. its like live photoshop…

4. reverse cowgirl, reverse rocketboy, any position that can be reversed really…

5. the one where your comfortable enough to fart during sex without judgement. because really, if that option is not available, you’re just gonna b there, holding it in….thinking its just gonna pop out anytime, and that can be really traumatizing…*stops self from emotional breakdown*

6. the one where I’m with someone I love and who loves and respects me right back. when this happens time stops, puppies make cute sounds, you guys stare in each others eyes. some people go as far as saying they had more than sex, a deeper connection yadi yadi yadda. Or with the cucumber

top sex types/positions for men:

1. The one where he gets to have sex.

did i miss anything?

i’m in [heart] with a stripper…

7 Mar

*teleports in* heyya, sorry ive been super busy with [insert boring shit here]. I’m just here for a minute or two…

i think…

we should all strip for the people who bang us once in a while,

there is a difference between removing each other’s attire (i wanted to spell it “ataya”…) and stripping…like them hohos do it…using whipped cream….and a turkey baster…(im getting carried away….*cough)

so…put some overly romantic music on, throw on some clear heels (guys, you can throw on some clear heels if you like, whatever floats your boat), and proceed to take off your clothes in a way that if your parents found out, they will take you for deep deliverance…

*****RELEASE UR INNER HOE******

to do for the week:

strip to “hey mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey mickey *clap clap* hey mickey *clap clap*“, I’m not quite sure how many calories you will burn but if you aren’t careful, you might end up hanging from a ceiling fan 😐

so the other day right, i was tryna release my inner ermmm ‘word i mentioned above’…cos i heard they have the most fun…

actually wait lemme play out the scenario

*words in the asterisks are my thought bubbles*

him: *removing his clothes and making funny sounds*

me: *this guy thinks i’m just gonna lie there and take it today, no no no*

him: hey baby *kiss* i’ve missed you sooooo bad, come here let daddy show you what he’s made off

me: *THE FUCK* ermmmm

him: *groans* *more groans* *more words that i swear i was not listening to*

me: *holy shit, how did i end up on my back again, this missionary thing will be the death of me…*

him: baby, u wanna climb on me

me: *this guy doesn’t know its impolite to talk while i’m tryna remember those kamasutra moves i googled yesterday* *climbs on top*

him: *more groans*

me: *so the site said i should put my left knee cap under the right hip bone….errr….and my shoulders are supposed to be arched and facing downward in a….ughh*

him: yea baby, just like that

me: wait wait *lemme just move him into a position where…..* OWWWW u r crushing my lungs *cough* gerrof me

him: but you are the one moving me about…blah blah yaddi yadda

me: shut up 😐 i’m tryna think *ungrateful brat, i’m here busting my balls…*

him: …

8 seconds later…

me: *HOLY FUCK, how did i end up in the missionary position again?!  this is some bullshit* *sigh*

ALLOW GOOGLING GUYS! ALLOW THAT SON OF A BITCH…*sigh*

i’m done with google’s guide to a better kpansh, i’m there busy tryna remember the third paragraph on the second page of cosmo on how to….mehn fuck that…

also, ‘thinking impedes orgasm’…FACT! ur man is there putting in work, doing some jack hammer austin powers stuvs that has got ur phone vibrating, tryna give you the big O, while you’re there lost in thought and then you wonder why you don’t cum…in the words of a very wise man…you are doing yourself!

i’m not saying dont spice it up o, mehn use bay leaves if you like….but people like me, who generally suck at basic shit, should just do it like they do on the discovery channel…

(i’m still gonna read that cosmosutra till i get it right, i will just insure my teeth and my bones first…)

p.s. i tot i should share a couple of google searches i came across (i did not google this i swear)-

“what can meth do to your vagina”

“mime porn”

“Midget porn (ironic capital M)”

“octopus porn”

“porn for the blind”…

😐

any stories u wanna share? what have you been googling? common guys… i promise i won’t judge….