i wonder what else is on tv *click, click, scratch, click*

18 Aug

i got lost people, i fucking got lost

dammit its a cold world out there booboos, like one minute i was walking into my wardrobe to pick out errmmm… stuff… and the next minute me and Aslan the Great Lion are having this conversation about raping hobos and the whole thing just got so confusing and i couldn’t find my way back..

for months..

and then i was like “help me obi wan kenobi, you are my only hope”, and he came looking fine as shit and well… we found another use for his lightsaber *sorry cucumber*

but still, i was scared as fuck, and none of you perverts came to look for me, and i was gonna leak my sex tape, i changed my mind, that’s what u get!!!

*blank stare*

so anyways, while i was in the canyons of good-luck-getting-out-ville, things grew and grew and this morning i looked down at myself and discovered that it’s a jungle down there, i wont be surprised if tarzan is swinging  his d*** from hair to longer hair down there right now.

i mean, i could die right now and how would they bury me? with unruly vag hair? i cant go out like that, and im not sure if there are razors in heaven, i havent received the nigerian’s guide to faaj in heaven yet… so…

i mean i could always just go get a brazilian but the last time i was there, you know how they put the wax on and you’re like oh FML and you clench your bum and the babe pulls the strip and out of nowhere, a huge fart emerges… like… that happened so many times to errmm… a person i know that the manager had to put an additional charge for inhaling dangerous fumes. i’m too broke for such lifestyle

and every time i use a razor right, its good for the first three hours and then you start itching like ‘the crabs are on tour in your vag’, i mean pulling your thong out of your ass is one thing, but trying to code a vag itch is quite another, when he’s on top of you and you put your hands down there to scratch, that’s the end… there’s no coming back from that people.

also, when the hair starts to grow back, which is like the fucking very next day, *facepalm* and its so sharp it’s wrecking the guy’s instrument during coitus (/ˈkō-itəs/:  who came up with this word?), i mean sharp enough that you can use it to slice yam, not that i’ve ever tried this before… i just walk around without pants in my kitchen, no big deal.

also, i just wanted to let you guys know that the story about the “burning bush” has absolutely nothing to do with setting your vag on fire, its is NOT a HAIR REMOVAL TECHNIQUE. don’t ask me how i know this, just know that there was weed involved and one of my mates holding a lighter was like “duuuuude do you know that hair burns really fast *giggle*”, and maybe chris was set on fire… still burns when i pee *cough*

so while we ponder about the depth of today’s post, remember that the hair is still growing and if i cant come up with a solution, i would wrap it in a bun …so if you see a bulge in my pants, it’s not a penis… #earlyonsetDISCLAIMER!!!

any one else in this same predicament?

also how do you feel about the infamous hairless penis? SERIOUSLY i need answers…. *sips jack daniels*

HUG?

blow my whistle baby

p.s. new name for my band – 3OH!3MonthsWithoutGettingLaid, if you know how to play the strings, apply within *cough*

12 Responses to “i wonder what else is on tv *click, click, scratch, click*”

  1. Yogi August 18, 2011 at 09:31 #

    Any dudes who don’t manscape,kill yourself already. I mean haven’t you ever heard,if you mow the lawn the garden looks bigger.

    • Zara August 18, 2011 at 18:21 #

      LOL no men, if u mow the lawn you can seen the height of the tree men 😐

  2. yummypurpleshoes August 18, 2011 at 12:14 #

    Sweetheart, are you even normal? Lmfao. Love eet!

  3. Mia Farraday August 18, 2011 at 12:38 #

    Manscaping is key. So is ladygardening, but I’m not a regular ladygardener, I admit. I mean, I’m not the girl who has a standing 3 week appointment with her waxer. I’m more of a *crap! I have to wear a bikini tomorrow!* sort of ladygardener. That said, Brazilians are the best. But lately, I’ve been relying on the ever pungent Veet. Must be done at least 24 hours before you expect a visitor.
    Your blog is so wonderfully crazy. I heart you.

  4. Son1aO August 18, 2011 at 12:44 #

    Haha, I’m with Mia, use veet when necessary, my ex boyfriend taught me how to use it :D, it’s easy and feels good after, no razor itch afterwards. Hehe you are awesomely insane…. nice one

  5. Iyamilele August 18, 2011 at 12:47 #

    LOL. Pele ehn, I’m currently in the same situation, just that mine is better worse as I’m not ermmm…a member of the band 3OH *cough* very far from that actually ;). But yeah, try shaving on a regs, the hair would stop growing as fast.
    Concerning the ‘infamous hairless penis’…I’m just happy we aint acquainted….very weird looking fellow….quite childlike.

  6. Saeon August 18, 2011 at 13:36 #

    Y’all are somehow!!! Just one short funny comment on tthe amazeballz post… Pffffft

    Having said that, Zara!!! MG! You’re a pfool!!! “when he’s on top of you and you put your hands down there to scratch”… Really? That sent my rolling down coventry hill!!! You’re a weiste!!!

    As for “weeding the bush” I use a battery-operated trimer and it gives you a really good feel, well for about 3days but if you weed on a constant, you’ll be fine. Plus no crazy aftermaths… Itching, bumps, rash… NONE!!!

    Regarding your band name, I’m sorry I can’t help :p but if you just walk arand pataless on the road and spread ya long legs in the open atmosphere, I’m sure something must occur. ^_^

    Again, love the post :*

  7. niyoola August 18, 2011 at 17:07 #

    @iyamilele: so a hairless penis is childlike; but not a bald female pubis. I get u

    I think gardening is d word; not harvesting. Keep it trimmed; low. Not bald like some hairless chicken

    I don’t get why we fret over hair; when its a sign of adulthood. Of course; bad hygiene down thr combined with hair is a no-no

    Y did I turn dis to a lecture

  8. creamandcoffee August 18, 2011 at 19:02 #

    LMAO hmmmm I let myself go for a while then I was about to get the Nani ate and I turned to go ol’ shaving cream and such. But now i’m back to my situation. alas.

  9. gretel September 17, 2011 at 23:03 #

    lmaoooooooooooo,veet dear,veet

  10. R4 October 1, 2011 at 16:26 #

    I got 2 ideas that’d save you money or make you money:

    Grow it down there for 60 days. Get it as long as you can ••No Pun Intended••, then cut it and use as hair weave.

    Here’s my second idea.

    Grow it long down there for sixty days and start an auto rescue service. Start with your friends, work colleagues and your neighbours. Call your company “Pink Bullets Instant Rescue & Recovery Service”. You tie your natural hair to the vehicle and pull it out of the problem and get paid.

  11. ThinkTank! April 15, 2012 at 12:20 #

    Just passing by wondering what happened to one of my favourite blogs.

    Ah well…

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