…u think i’m fly don’t ya?

28 Apr

YARRRRRRRRR sorry life called, they were outta lemons and we got into this huge argument….so ive been quite busy.

So yeah, as we all know, im the newest member of the association of people who cant get laid to save their life, some people like to call it fancy words like “celibacy” and/or “waiting for the right guy” *spit*, vagina does not condone such behavior…..she just gave me one month’s notice, u know the one where she is threatening to leave me and things, talking about how im a disappointment…she clearly hasn’t seen my awesome stamp collection…

anyways

deez gonna be a brief post on how to prevent ur hoohoo/junk from leaving you while you wait for mr./ms. are you gonna bang tho, again some people would call it masturbation tips, but not me…it doesn’t sound as classy.

first and foremost, you want to find somewhere quiet, cosy where you can handle you business like an expert, like a bedroom with locks, or the closet (try not to make eye contact with the gay folks hiding in there, or things might get a little weird)

next, you need to be in possession of something arousing, don’t be confined to the typical man’s playboy magazine, you can find sex in every book, a C++ textbook maybe…if you cant find a book, literally anything else would work just as well, if you add “cum” at the end, like if you have a used recharge card or robot chewing gum wrapper with the trivia questions on it….just add “cum”

(subtip – for females you need to have the right tool…dildos, cucumbers….envelope openers….. :|)

next, you can be aroused by any part of your body, so you have to find your erogenous (<big word) zones, like just yesterday i accidentally bumped my knee on the stool and…o…what do we have here … instant turn on….dont be afraid to explore

BITCH BE COOL

next, you need to relax your body, you can do this by listening to calming music….i recommend MI’s African rapper no1 track, works wonders! in your relaxed state, just move to the rhythm, do what feels natural (#teamnashura), well except ur likely to end up in the hospital with a nailpolish up ur ass…don’t do that guys, doesn’t end well…

another very important tip, don’t get caught! well unless you like getting caught, then get caught! But make sure ur in a classy position, like crossing your legs and pointing ur little finger out and things….

if zeus didn’t want us to masturbate, he wouldn’t have given us opposable thumbs

deuces

p.s. lemme know if i’m missing any valuable tips…

p.p.s I AM EXTREMELY JOBLESS 😛 (just incase you couldn’t tell, i submitted my dissertation, thanks for (NOT) asking :|)

p.p.p.s ITS MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY BITCHES

9 Responses to “…u think i’m fly don’t ya?”

  1. NotKoye April 28, 2011 at 09:56 #

    😉

    • Zara April 28, 2011 at 11:28 #

      LOL femi u r all sorts of insane sha!

  2. bee April 28, 2011 at 10:15 #

    haha.”NO TO SEX, YES TO ME”–> dats wat i call it.
    nyc write up. (y)
    i know of a girl who lights scented candles and sprinkles roses on her bed wen its her ‘me time’…
    envelope openers tho.

    happy birthday. 🙂

  3. Saeon April 28, 2011 at 10:51 #

    “like crossing your legs and pointing ur little finger out and things….” LOL and how can a knee bump possibly be a turn on Zara? shit hurts like…no words describe it.

    Happy Birthday bdw.

  4. 2ndelawal April 28, 2011 at 10:57 #

    hahahaha… opener ke? how door handle or gear stick?

    pls don’t make babes say “no” to guys nau.. you’re giving them an option in a nice way.

    on the 2nd thought, its in them already jo.

  5. thetoolsman April 28, 2011 at 11:29 #

    Im glad no one doubts me anymore when I say you’re not well… envelop opener? Knee bump? Cammmaaann…

  6. kechilauren April 28, 2011 at 14:48 #

    Zara..why??.

  7. kitkat April 29, 2011 at 16:37 #

    lol no comment!
    happy birthday though! (i know i’m late lol)

  8. creamandcoffee May 2, 2011 at 14:42 #

    LMAO hilarious!

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