alpha male…not

5 Apr

i tried….i really tried to concentrate on my dissertation but i really just wanna kill my supervisor….

so here i am, again, sharing my random austin powers awesomeness with you guys…yea baby, yea

…dont even try to front like that just didn’t turn u on 😐

so as usual, i carried out proper research you know, with US military funding and the works and below are the top list of things you shouldn’t joke about with your man

his mother – yeah i know she’s a )(&^%$%* and you just can’t understand why she gives you those looks especially since you’ve done nothing wrong to her but telling him that his mother is a bitch will never be funny. trust me. even when you tell him that it was just a joke trying to laugh it off, it wont still be funny. and then you would pay for this during sex…he would cum in like 2 seconds and roll over and sleep. may God punish you ejiro….dick *cough

so where were we…

that time he made out with a he-she by accident in the club *insert heavy laughter*, you should never ever joke about this especially when you know he only said it cos he was drunk and told you this “in confidence” (< igbo name), its even less funny when you slip it in the middle of dinner prayers at his friends house “dear Lord, please forgive…..” maybe cos i was laughing so hard i didnt get to tell the punch line, *sigh*

furthermore (<yes, this is a project word) you should not joke about his food, no your man would not think this is funny, telling him “better say your grace before eating that food”, *name withheld* “oh yeah bitch, IS THAT HOW IT IS NOW, UR TRYNA POISON ME…NO, NO I HAVE TAKEN SUCH GOOD CARE OF YOU, AND U GON PLAY ME LIKE THAT, ITS OVER BITCH…BITCH”, the female: “eh yo, chill men, we at nandos remember….i didnt even touch ur food…..o_O!

also you should not joke about cunnilingus, especially how better his friend is at cunnilingus. Mainly because men don’t actually know what “cunnilingus” means. Then you have to explain that it’s cun·ni·lin·gus (kŭnˌə-lĭngˈgəs), latin for “eating the hoohoo”. And not only is your joke ruined because explaining jokes is just a buzzkill, also he’s angry at you now because you’re cheating on him with his friend, like I don’t know why that is such a big deal. Or maybe he already knew what cunnilingus meant and he’s irked because you just explained it which now makes him feel like a fool. Hell, im just as confused as you are, I had no idea why lanre got angry, like does he think im a mind reader? *sigh*

and yea his penis – unless you’re making a joke about how massive it is, and how “OMG YOUR SHIT IS SO HUGE, IT WONT FIT”, yea that’s fine…cos yeah, they can’t read sarcasm during sex, all the blood has left their brain…, don’t say things like “you’ve got cancer….of the penis”, that’s only funny in your mind (and to the rest of the world).

finally. im taller than you. *name withheld*

so what pisses your man…woman…(insert object) off? what does your partner do that pisses you off?

p.s. i don’t have a partner anymore, some people just can’t take a joke….*sips sprite*

30 Responses to “alpha male…not”

  1. MsJulz at 09:10 #

    The doctor called. Said you missed your appointment again yesterday. 😐

    • Zara at 09:19 #

      LOOL im not even sure i know what this means…

  2. StephanieIj at 09:20 #

    Omg Zara! You blog so consistently… #nowReading. ::)

  3. jAyajade at 09:21 #

    Errrmm…. You should take it easy on the sprite really..

  4. miafarradaily at 09:24 #

    I’m envious of how quickly you update. You make the rest of us look bad. Doubtless, this is deliberate. Evil.

    Also, if your partner has the grave misfortune to suffer from early onset balding and/or a receding hairline…that’s never funny. Also jokes about money, ex boyfriends, how much hotter he used to be back when he played sports every day and before he got a job and STD’s (I have herpes. Kidding!!): never funny. Men and their sensitive egos. Big babies, the lot of ’em!

    I love your brand of crazy. I’m a fan.

    • Zara at 09:37 #

      balding *rolling* how could i miss that one, that shit is hilarous, or maybe not 😐

      STDs?? buahahahaha i would not be there joking o, i wld b with his friend receiving cunnilingus *cough

  5. KofoSwaggnificent at 09:26 #

    It means ur room and straight jacket in yaba left miss u…random abi random!!!!

    Bt a lot of this is tru.I’d never joke abt a girl’s butt/boobs bin flat esp if I’m datin/shaggin her.dats a ticket to gettin an extreme makeover……

    With concentrated acid

    • Zara at 09:55 #

      ermm before you do that, just put me in your will. tnkz

  6. StephanieIj at 09:31 #

    I have a dude tell his fuck buddy that she’s too deep…an excuse for her not feeling his ‘p’..

    • Zara at 09:45 #

      LOL wait what, so she took the blame for it….nice save

  7. KofoSwaggnificent at 09:31 #

    Esss Mia, women hav bigger egos!

  8. thetoolsman at 09:32 #

    And Mia certified Zara’s craziness – just like that… sheesh.. anyways after that last post I cant say I didnt expect a new post soon enough..
    My 2 cents – Never EVER joke about a erm.. “failure to launch” episode (yes, they happen).. and joking about it might just result into other things crashing…

    • Zara at 09:52 #

      LOOOL *giggles* ooooweeee here’s to hoping this never happens to me

  9. icouldbeillskillz at 09:34 #

    LMao there should be a sub-section under never joke with his food titled “Never, ever joke with his gala”….otherwise, well written, well researched…the military will be proud that all their funding is going to such good use.

  10. Honeypot at 09:36 #

    Lmao … Nice post 🙂 but it’s really silly that they take jokes about their dicks personal … I mean I’m jst being honest innit ??

  11. Yogi at 09:53 #

    If you ever call his penis any cute,girl names like Princess *insert fruity name here* that’s a dealbreaker. And yeah,failure to launch happens sometimes,cuz you know the thrusters may not be firing properly and the pistons may require oiling. Yeah and erm Prince Poppycock is not a legal penis name either.

  12. W. at 10:39 #

    mehn that sprite must have traces (or bucket loads) of crazy in it…. LOL, funny post tho 🙂

  13. Desanmi at 10:51 #

    Don’t joke about a dude’s height. 😐

    Zara is leaving UK soon right? her study leave from yaba left will expire soon. smh

    #TheThirst is what controls you Zara. LOOL

  14. Kar-ah at 11:19 #

    Lmao! Zara is wow! Refreshingly crazy!(Y) Erm I have nothing to add to this. Y’all said everything. But then again, the rate at which guys trip over trivial stuff is proportional to the size of his ego and self-esteem.

  15. Qtie at 12:55 #

    :|Dat 2secs punishment won’t b funny mehn

  16. Wolverine's Daddy at 12:55 #

    but really touch my food and they will never find you … just like Zara’s sanity … or julz’ gluteus maximus ….. *sips caprisonne* …

    • Zara at 14:52 #

      ermm…. hi mr. wolf, do u wanna share ur government name with guys?

      ur making ms. julz really

  17. MsJulz at 13:10 #

    Now what the heck is gluteus maximus. Using my renowned english skills, I infer it has something to do with gluttony. I’m not a glutton…so I guess this is good … *fondles mango*

  18. Mone at 13:11 #

    when he says ‘this is how you should do it’
    uhhhhhhhhhhhhh excuse you!!!!!

  19. MsJulz at 13:20 #

    So I googled it…oh no you didn’t. Don’t make me twitpic my ass.

    Big things come in small packages. It isn’t the size its how you use it. Small but mighty. I can’t think of anything else

  20. Saeon at 15:50 #

    “OMG YOUR SHIT IS SO HUGE, IT WONT FIT”… on a serious note though do y’all fall for that shit? lil earthlings come outta there so why the heck won’t it fit? if you’re huge, you’re huge! if your itsy-bitsy, then sorry bebe. lets call a wandecoal a wc. 😐

  21. jide. at 21:43 #

    voted for your damn blog. (somehow or the other, im sure all my sunday school teachers are cringing wherever they are)

  22. DL at 12:24 #

    1st time here…..

  23. 'Jibòla at 19:18 #

    *sealed lips*

  24. cassbaba noni at 06:25 #

    Lmao. Classic! I’m sharin this on Bbm, facebook, twitter, MySpace, OurSpace, GovernmentSpace, OutterSpace and all Spaces in between…. 😀

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