Archive | April, 2011

…u think i’m fly don’t ya?

28 Apr

YARRRRRRRRR sorry life called, they were outta lemons and we got into this huge argument….so ive been quite busy.

So yeah, as we all know, im the newest member of the association of people who cant get laid to save their life, some people like to call it fancy words like “celibacy” and/or “waiting for the right guy” *spit*, vagina does not condone such behavior…..she just gave me one month’s notice, u know the one where she is threatening to leave me and things, talking about how im a disappointment…she clearly hasn’t seen my awesome stamp collection…

anyways

deez gonna be a brief post on how to prevent ur hoohoo/junk from leaving you while you wait for mr./ms. are you gonna bang tho, again some people would call it masturbation tips, but not me…it doesn’t sound as classy.

first and foremost, you want to find somewhere quiet, cosy where you can handle you business like an expert, like a bedroom with locks, or the closet (try not to make eye contact with the gay folks hiding in there, or things might get a little weird)

next, you need to be in possession of something arousing, don’t be confined to the typical man’s playboy magazine, you can find sex in every book, a C++ textbook maybe…if you cant find a book, literally anything else would work just as well, if you add “cum” at the end, like if you have a used recharge card or robot chewing gum wrapper with the trivia questions on it….just add “cum”

(subtip – for females you need to have the right tool…dildos, cucumbers….envelope openers….. :|)

next, you can be aroused by any part of your body, so you have to find your erogenous (<big word) zones, like just yesterday i accidentally bumped my knee on the stool and…o…what do we have here … instant turn on….dont be afraid to explore

BITCH BE COOL

next, you need to relax your body, you can do this by listening to calming music….i recommend MI’s African rapper no1 track, works wonders! in your relaxed state, just move to the rhythm, do what feels natural (#teamnashura), well except ur likely to end up in the hospital with a nailpolish up ur ass…don’t do that guys, doesn’t end well…

another very important tip, don’t get caught! well unless you like getting caught, then get caught! But make sure ur in a classy position, like crossing your legs and pointing ur little finger out and things….

if zeus didn’t want us to masturbate, he wouldn’t have given us opposable thumbs

deuces

p.s. lemme know if i’m missing any valuable tips…

p.p.s I AM EXTREMELY JOBLESS 😛 (just incase you couldn’t tell, i submitted my dissertation, thanks for (NOT) asking :|)

p.p.p.s ITS MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY BITCHES

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to fly or to fall…

20 Apr

im prolly not gonna broadcast this post, or proof read it for that matter, its just rolling of the top of my head and for some reason, this is its exit…

the fear of failure sucks, it. just. sucks. so. hard.

i find faults in everything i do, i instantly hate everything i do, i am a chief worrier (i think this position should come with a gun and a badge, but those police folks are playing hard ball)

and im not even talking about relationships, cos i never win there, apparently its something with the way the sun reflects on my hair that makes me look like a ho….. i just dont understand it

but yeah,

the truth of the matter is that i prolly need to grow up (but i would never start using capital letters, that shit is for the birds)…or something like that, and get used to falling and getting back up again as opposed to falling and dying there which is kinda how i operate,

anyways, i decided to call my paranoia ‘Ben’, since he’s gonna be here for a while… say hi to Ben guys….

dont call me crazy.

brb

alpha male…not

5 Apr

i tried….i really tried to concentrate on my dissertation but i really just wanna kill my supervisor….

so here i am, again, sharing my random austin powers awesomeness with you guys…yea baby, yea

…dont even try to front like that just didn’t turn u on 😐

so as usual, i carried out proper research you know, with US military funding and the works and below are the top list of things you shouldn’t joke about with your man

his mother – yeah i know she’s a )(&^%$%* and you just can’t understand why she gives you those looks especially since you’ve done nothing wrong to her but telling him that his mother is a bitch will never be funny. trust me. even when you tell him that it was just a joke trying to laugh it off, it wont still be funny. and then you would pay for this during sex…he would cum in like 2 seconds and roll over and sleep. may God punish you ejiro….dick *cough

so where were we…

that time he made out with a he-she by accident in the club *insert heavy laughter*, you should never ever joke about this especially when you know he only said it cos he was drunk and told you this “in confidence” (< igbo name), its even less funny when you slip it in the middle of dinner prayers at his friends house “dear Lord, please forgive…..” maybe cos i was laughing so hard i didnt get to tell the punch line, *sigh*

furthermore (<yes, this is a project word) you should not joke about his food, no your man would not think this is funny, telling him “better say your grace before eating that food”, *name withheld* “oh yeah bitch, IS THAT HOW IT IS NOW, UR TRYNA POISON ME…NO, NO I HAVE TAKEN SUCH GOOD CARE OF YOU, AND U GON PLAY ME LIKE THAT, ITS OVER BITCH…BITCH”, the female: “eh yo, chill men, we at nandos remember….i didnt even touch ur food…..o_O!

also you should not joke about cunnilingus, especially how better his friend is at cunnilingus. Mainly because men don’t actually know what “cunnilingus” means. Then you have to explain that it’s cun·ni·lin·gus (kŭnˌə-lĭngˈgəs), latin for “eating the hoohoo”. And not only is your joke ruined because explaining jokes is just a buzzkill, also he’s angry at you now because you’re cheating on him with his friend, like I don’t know why that is such a big deal. Or maybe he already knew what cunnilingus meant and he’s irked because you just explained it which now makes him feel like a fool. Hell, im just as confused as you are, I had no idea why lanre got angry, like does he think im a mind reader? *sigh*

and yea his penis – unless you’re making a joke about how massive it is, and how “OMG YOUR SHIT IS SO HUGE, IT WONT FIT”, yea that’s fine…cos yeah, they can’t read sarcasm during sex, all the blood has left their brain…, don’t say things like “you’ve got cancer….of the penis”, that’s only funny in your mind (and to the rest of the world).

finally. im taller than you. *name withheld*

so what pisses your man…woman…(insert object) off? what does your partner do that pisses you off?

p.s. i don’t have a partner anymore, some people just can’t take a joke….*sips sprite*

unknown*

4 Apr

what have I done…*I could feel my heart pounding the walls of my chest, almost as if it also was trying to get away from me* I looked around the room, the glare from the street light outside looked eerie, mocking me….I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself, all I could see was his face, his eyes, haunting me…

“common don’t be a loser yemi” bisola told me, “its deji’s birthday, finally I get to be in the same room with him without it being considered stalking and God knows you are coming with me”

“dude, why do you want me there” I asked her, “I’m literally no fun, I do not drink or smoke or shag for that matter….yes o, call it what u want, im saving myself for marriage and im so not interested in changing that tonite”

“Look, she said, you got invited, I didn’t, his brother likes you, for god know what reason….and you get to bring a guest…. so if not for anything, do it for me, I haven’t been with someone inna hot minute and…..”

*blah blah blah I thought to myself, bisola could talk for hours, I might as well just give in and go…anything to shut this girl up…maybe ill slip out of the party early…yes, that’s what il do…..* ok bisola oooo, I have heard, il come……

the sound of the music was driving me crazy, immediately we got here, bisola had vanished and I had been sitting alone in the corner gawking for the longest time now…I looked down at the drink leke, deji’s brother had brought me, we had had an argument earlier and he eventually convinced me that one drink wouldn’t hurt… I was so over this party, I had some econometrics problems to solve in the morning…I took one last gulp of the drink, I couldn’t taste the alcohol so yeah, it wasn’t that bad…grabbed my purse and tried to find my footing…*wow, what the hell, why in the world is my head spinning* I thought as I left the party

*one step in front of the other, just keep walking yemi* I could hear footsteps behind me but I refused to turn back…. as I felt the pain come jolting through my back, my face hit the pavement

“Ouch stop that, you’re hurting me….pls…PLEASE”, I struggled “I have done nothing wrong I yelled, I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG”….i whimpered as I blacked out again

*no yemi, you have been through this once before, you cannot let yourself be a victim again, my mind spun as I thought of all the nights my stepdad would sneak into my room and have his way with me, he would ram his cock up me so hard with one hand over my mouth, he would explode inside me and leave me there, shaking, every night….NO, I CANT LIVE THROUGH THIS AGAIN* as he struggled to pull his pants down, I pushed the man off me and ran, I had no idea where the hell I was, out one door and through the next I could hear his footsteps chasing right after me…I looked around the room, there was a table…I ran towards it, and grabbed whatever my hand could reach, he grabbed me, spun me around as the object in my hand came crashing down his neck….once, twice, thrice….i stabbed it….him, over and over till I could no longer feel anything

*the bloody envelope opener fell from my hand and hit the floor as the reality of what i had just done hit me*

Leke’s lifeless eyes looked up at me, his blood splattered everywhere…i stood there shaking, the door to the room creaked further as a person walked in, face hidden in the shadows, calm, crooked, cold….

*please God where the hell am I*