i’m in [heart] with a stripper…

7 Mar

*teleports in* heyya, sorry ive been super busy with [insert boring shit here]. I’m just here for a minute or two…

i think…

we should all strip for the people who bang us once in a while,

there is a difference between removing each other’s attire (i wanted to spell it “ataya”…) and stripping…like them hohos do it…using whipped cream….and a turkey baster…(im getting carried away….*cough)

so…put some overly romantic music on, throw on some clear heels (guys, you can throw on some clear heels if you like, whatever floats your boat), and proceed to take off your clothes in a way that if your parents found out, they will take you for deep deliverance…

*****RELEASE UR INNER HOE******

to do for the week:

strip to “hey mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey mickey *clap clap* hey mickey *clap clap*“, I’m not quite sure how many calories you will burn but if you aren’t careful, you might end up hanging from a ceiling fan 😐

so the other day right, i was tryna release my inner ermmm ‘word i mentioned above’…cos i heard they have the most fun…

actually wait lemme play out the scenario

*words in the asterisks are my thought bubbles*

him: *removing his clothes and making funny sounds*

me: *this guy thinks i’m just gonna lie there and take it today, no no no*

him: hey baby *kiss* i’ve missed you sooooo bad, come here let daddy show you what he’s made off

me: *THE FUCK* ermmmm

him: *groans* *more groans* *more words that i swear i was not listening to*

me: *holy shit, how did i end up on my back again, this missionary thing will be the death of me…*

him: baby, u wanna climb on me

me: *this guy doesn’t know its impolite to talk while i’m tryna remember those kamasutra moves i googled yesterday* *climbs on top*

him: *more groans*

me: *so the site said i should put my left knee cap under the right hip bone….errr….and my shoulders are supposed to be arched and facing downward in a….ughh*

him: yea baby, just like that

me: wait wait *lemme just move him into a position where…..* OWWWW u r crushing my lungs *cough* gerrof me

him: but you are the one moving me about…blah blah yaddi yadda

me: shut up 😐 i’m tryna think *ungrateful brat, i’m here busting my balls…*

him: …

8 seconds later…

me: *HOLY FUCK, how did i end up in the missionary position again?!  this is some bullshit* *sigh*

ALLOW GOOGLING GUYS! ALLOW THAT SON OF A BITCH…*sigh*

i’m done with google’s guide to a better kpansh, i’m there busy tryna remember the third paragraph on the second page of cosmo on how to….mehn fuck that…

also, ‘thinking impedes orgasm’…FACT! ur man is there putting in work, doing some jack hammer austin powers stuvs that has got ur phone vibrating, tryna give you the big O, while you’re there lost in thought and then you wonder why you don’t cum…in the words of a very wise man…you are doing yourself!

i’m not saying dont spice it up o, mehn use bay leaves if you like….but people like me, who generally suck at basic shit, should just do it like they do on the discovery channel…

(i’m still gonna read that cosmosutra till i get it right, i will just insure my teeth and my bones first…)

p.s. i tot i should share a couple of google searches i came across (i did not google this i swear)-

“what can meth do to your vagina”

“mime porn”

“Midget porn (ironic capital M)”

“octopus porn”

“porn for the blind”…

😐

any stories u wanna share? what have you been googling? common guys… i promise i won’t judge….

34 Responses to “i’m in [heart] with a stripper…”

  1. Yogi March 7, 2011 at 11:44 #

    Hahahahahahaahhaha. Zaraaaaaaa. Lemme go and laugh. Brb. Hahahahahaha

  2. Yogi March 7, 2011 at 11:54 #

    Yes now I’m back. Someone once asked,when did clear heels become the official stripper footwear?? When?? And why you tryna say this guy came in roughly 32seconds? And erm “Climb”?? Hahahaha. Such a yorubaish word.

    • Zara March 7, 2011 at 12:10 #

      dude, 32seconds…..because i said 8seconds, the Lord is my shepherd o….LOL it was a yoruba boy, buahahahahaha…. X_x

  3. @icouldbeillskillz March 7, 2011 at 12:02 #

    hahahaha…this is hilarious….one thing almost killed me tho – ‘….spice it up, Bay leaves’. Zara, why?

  4. @icouldbeillskillz March 7, 2011 at 12:04 #

    braille porn lmao

    • Zara March 7, 2011 at 12:10 #

      NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! no! *walks away*

  5. Yogi March 7, 2011 at 12:35 #

    “some jack hammer austin powers stuvs that has got ur phone vibrating, tryna give you the big O,” err did you mean got your POON vibrating? /:)

    • Zara March 7, 2011 at 12:41 #

      no yogi…i meant my phone…vibrating cos of well…all the movements…im still laughing at “yorubaish word” sha

      • Yogi March 7, 2011 at 12:50 #

        Hahaha,wait why is your phone on the bed while you’re CLIMBING each other? This nigga must not know what he was there for. Btw,you can’t call me Yogi,she’s the only one allowed to.

        • Zara March 7, 2011 at 12:55 #

          YOGI! lol…cross the street abeg

  6. temmyno1 March 7, 2011 at 12:36 #

    You know, for those kama sutra experts, I bet missionary is an exotic position.
    Youre right, thinking during sex will be the death of us. But I would really love to try the flying bicycle :$

    • Zara March 7, 2011 at 12:44 #

      i swear, missionary is like one for deep connection and blah blah…mehhhhh

      flying bicycle to “hey mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey mickey *clap clap* hey mickey *clap clap*”

  7. thetoolsman March 7, 2011 at 12:57 #

    So I let y’all comment before me for the first time and this is what happens… *sigh*… We already know S/Zara has issues but I have one question, why is Yogi so passionate about this topic?

    • Zara March 7, 2011 at 13:15 #

      lol, yogi’s probably the one that just lies there and takes it 😐 *horizontal mode*

  8. Yogi March 7, 2011 at 13:52 #

    Hahahaha. When the sex-tape leaks we will see if the Queen knows how to use her Tools 😐

  9. Saeon March 7, 2011 at 14:07 #

    i pondered for nothing less than 10 minutes about what comment i was gonna leave but nothing came up. TRUTH!!!

    my own is i’m phoning your parents to arrange for an immediate deliverance session for you, Zara.

    Thass all for now.

    forgive my slowness, but i’ll be epicly back!

    • Zara March 7, 2011 at 14:57 #

      LOL, deep deliverance, dozen price shey? so bring ur friends 😐

  10. Koro March 7, 2011 at 14:27 #

    LMAO
    this was beyond hilarious.
    ok yesterday at work I googled something but I will have to DM you that information. tenz

    • Zara March 7, 2011 at 14:58 #

      *waiting* 😉

  11. Yogi March 7, 2011 at 14:52 #

    Is this the flying bicycle??? http://plixi.com/p/82286751

  12. temmyno1 March 7, 2011 at 14:55 #

    Let me just state that the flying bicycle is a ride in wonderland Abuja. 😐

    • Zara March 7, 2011 at 14:58 #

      no what the actual fuck, temmyno1 control ur yogi biko….wth was dat o_O,

      • thetoolsman March 7, 2011 at 15:02 #

        They don’t make leashes for bears so I guess flying bicycles were invented … *Now running to far far away land*

  13. Yogi March 7, 2011 at 15:10 #

    Hahahahaha!!! Temmy(my own) don’t let these people bully you. Let’s leave ’em alone.

    • thetoolsman March 7, 2011 at 15:41 #

      Yes, make like a chicken’s man or is it bear and run run run…

  14. thetoolsman March 7, 2011 at 15:43 #

    err and is it just me or are the default avatars for Yogi and I funny?

    • Zara March 7, 2011 at 15:57 #

      buahahahahahahaha OMG both of em look like…in the words of majela…penetrate,

  15. saeon March 7, 2011 at 15:51 #

    i swear, Temi shitn’t’s you guys on that flying bicycle ride P in Abuja’s wonderland… i’ve been on it and lets just say *phew* you will actually SWEAT!!!!

    That been said, this is not my epicesque comment.

    *leaves*

  16. StephanieIj March 7, 2011 at 16:29 #

    hahahahahaha death to missionary jo…what connection again? Rear entry and the babe on top rock !

    Ok I’ve never actually googled positions and shit…used to have these play cards that had em at the back..

    Yogi Re: that your pic…how does the motion occur? by who? Lmfaoo..

    • Zara March 7, 2011 at 20:48 #

      rear entry…lmfao

  17. Random Awesomeness March 7, 2011 at 19:06 #

    Somehow, I imagined that stickman painting up there to be Zara. She is insane like that. In any case Zara you really do need help.

  18. beforesheimplodes March 9, 2011 at 11:21 #

    HAHAHAHAH!!!! Im shy 4 u o Zara! u BLOG WHAT I cant! Like omdayz!!!

  19. Damie March 9, 2011 at 13:00 #

    I enjoy trying out new positions (nothing wild o) but sometimes missionary is just so chilled and can save you the stress of doing any form of work. But I only allow that when I’m feeling extremely lazy. Give me me a bucking bronco (ok, I think I made that up), a reverse cowgirl or some butterfly sturvs any other time.

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