Archive | March, 2011

old McDonald had a farm *whistling*

28 Mar

soooooo i promised i would bring my ass back and chat some randoms for a minute….here goes

i did something last week, i was bored, so i got up…. went into the shower and did something that made me feel empowered…. (im not telling…..)

also, try not to ask me about the meaning of this post, just don’t…

i was doing my google rounds as i always do… typing in random shit and tryna be as unproductive as i possibly could when i stumbled onto a page that said “How to Increase Your Semen Production”……WAIT how to increase what????

and then i proceeded to spend the next 5mins of my life reading about semen enhancers talking about “how to shock a woman with your enormous semen production” and all i could think of was “end times yo, rapture is fast approaching”

hi guys, if you’re reading this, lemme just clarify yeah, we actually DO NOT want that, errr yeah i know u r doing this for us and its the thought that counts or is it action speaks louder than words or whatever but try chill please… the fact that you want to drown your partner/lover/side chic with bucket-loads of semen is making me want to embrace lesbianism. with open arms.

…unless you’re in the porn industry and in that case, leave your name and number below, i have a couple of questions….maybe we can errr meet up *cough*

i have never heard a woman complain that “the sex would be a whole lot better if only he made more semen”….never, and trust me, in my many many years on this earth i have heard a lot of women complain about the absolute dumbest shit ever….but never that.

if anything, if you guys could stop producing semen until we actually need it, that would be great, i mean seriously…fucking up my sheets and shit, after sex, y’all be saying “im not sleeping on that side of the bed”, huh? nucca who’s dna is dat? and it does not exactly taste like lollipops and sunshine now does it? just quit it already

if you are not quite sure of things women would prefer rather than having “enhanced semen” chucked on them, we would prefer

flowers,

chocolates,

jewelry,

poison ivy,

boiling acid,

damn near anything is better than that!

(and if ur too broke, doing the house chores for a week would also be appreciated)

no one needs bucket loads of semen, vagina does not condone such behavior

thank me later

:p

p.s again the title makes no sense but writing “stop producing semen” as a title would make me appear mad

p.p.s i know you missed me. *nods* i can tell by that sudden erecti….(i should stop now)

fcuk angry birds*

23 Mar

sorry guys X_X i’ve been super busy with my dissertation and i cannot multitask for shit, im having a problem mono-tasking sef, so i haven’t been able to write a post

but i should be done with my project soon (in my mind), so hopefully i’l have a post for u guys asap

also

its my one month blogiversary *insert carlton dance here*

…the wait

16 Mar

the alarm goes off into the darkness

thoughts of you come flooding in

eyes barely open but I can see it so clearly

your curves hover over me, arching and moving in perfect symphony

to the sound of inaudible music playing from a source unknown

in the bleeding cold,

the heat is unbearable,

sweats dripping from my unreal forehead

bodies becoming slaves to the pressures of passion

and we embrace the pain, we welcome it,

we invite it almost with open arms

to the perfect balance of each other,

we hold on for the explosive calmness looming ahead

 

eyes wide open now,

reality’s claws digging into my flesh…deep

to live just on images of my mind,

curves unknown, paths never treaded before

to be nourished by pleasures absent

silhouettes of shadows….

everything turns to darkness under broad daylight

each passing second turning into an eternity of wait

challenging gravity, my mind wanders off again

from your buttocks up through your spine

to the place where authenticity meets fantasy

 

shivers under the duvet,

soon, i told myself…. soon

who’s hoohoo is it anyway?

15 Mar

[we interrupt our normal banter to bring you a public service announcement ]

introducing a guest blogger and his post -> Carter

[inspired by a video, parental guidance is advised all over this bitch]

first what is the ‘hoohoo’ (h2 (pussy for the extra slow folks))?

Sir. Issac Newton defined the pussy as the single most powerful controlled substance on the face of this planet, the ultimate ‘gateway drug‘ if you know what i mean,

why h2 works?

h2 is the gift that keeps on giving if used correctly, literally everything a man does is for the attention of some kitty *meow*, i would use baby oil & chapstick on my dry lips if it guarantees me some pussy later, i’ll even shave my pubes and bedazzle it if that’s what she’s into, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, i don’t even mind some ‘pity sex’ just as long as its sex…

however though, some women just do not know how to use it….you can have the maybach of all kitties, but if u don’t know how to use it… then the h2 aint nothing but another car, with the keys in the ignition… that every nucca can access

when i say some females don’t know how to use it, i don’t mean in performance, cos some of you got that reverse cowboy on lock, like crystal from last night……hmmmm crystal

anyways

what i mean is you need to learn how you can directly benefit from it 100%, paying attention to the fact that abuse of h2 can lead to a drop in value especially during these economic meltdown times (and by abuse i mean, if u throw your ish around like fucking sunshine or if u have that buy one get one free bonanza….smh)

if you’re always blaming yourself for fucking the wrong nuccas, talking bout ‘i don’t understand why this shit keeps happening to me’, then u have poor hoohoo management skills,

if you’ve stayed in an abusive relationship talking about “he’s gonna change, i just know he loves me”, then u have poor hoohoo management skills,

heck, if i’ve ever fucked you, you definitely have poor hoohoo management skills,

now we all know that dick is  nowhere near as powerful as the yoni, but it does hold a specific power -> mind control a.k.a dickwhipism

i was talking to my friend the other day, i wont mention her name because she knows where i live and black bitches be crazy yo,

she told me she got the best dick she’s ever…EVER had ,…eventually when he called her after ages of dead silence, he just literally wanted them to meet…. and fuck

he’s saying shit like “lets take it slow and see where this leads”, that’s some bullshit, i have never met a man who told a girl he wanted to date “lets take it slow” *spit*, if you have, try check that man’s body for spare female parts

now understand that this is a girl who wants to be in a r/ship and is catching feelings and he’s clearly not down for that. and she’s asking me if she should go meet up with him…hop in a cab, then on a train, then on the underground, defeat the underground wolf, then hitchhike through the amazon forest, canoe through river thames, then walk a block or two, to his apartment, to fuck him and then what??? i have to ask…..who’s hoohoo is it anyway?

and if its yours, ….#pause

how to tell if the kitty is yours?

1) if you can reach down and grab the kitty whenever you feel like….feels good dont it? yeaaaa…..

2) if you can take a pic of it

3) (optional but advised) if you can send that pic my way…

#unpause

why in the world does he have so much control over it

dickwhipism is NOT CUTE ladies

and u know, that i know, that u know that i know that y’ll been dumb over a dick at least once in your life time, and some of y’ll are dumb over one right now…and y’ll are disappearing on your girlfriends, cutting classes, some of y’ll are doing the most, flying over to see the nucca and things

[side-eye at Zara]

bottomline: its like politics, you gotta figure out ‘where you’re gonna press ya hand’ before you step in the booth, make him work for it, sign a pre-brapage contract, heck consult your local babalawo supply store

and to the pussy whipped guys out there, i dey hail; if you’re a straight guy & u let your girl jam her fingers up your a**hole during sex, u my friend r pussy whipped…..,

so, are you whipped? have you ever been whipped? or do you believe its a myth like my virginity? come now don’t be shy, the world is ending soon… everyone pitch in with ideas to help your friends in need 😉

signed:

Dick & Pussy Whipped Awareness Project (D.P.W.A.P )

Carter

XX vs XY

9 Mar

(inappropriate introduction here)

so i’m on twitter today, eating cereal, just minding my business, then all of a sudden, the TT changes to #typeofsex, and i felt like that was my calling for the day, so i quickly put on my cape and shiny underpants, pull out my gadget and start saving the day…

at this point i feel like saying that this blog is not gonna be 100% about sex *cough*

so seeing as men and women are so awesomely painfully different, i have noticed that different sex positions appeal to each; i like it one way, he prefers it the other :|. i was gonna put a poll up and get proper research done (cos u know, im wearing the cape and saving the day and all of that goodness), but i already know how unresponsive u, yes U guys can be…

so i’m just gonna pull from my vast experiences and some random tweets and freestyle up in this b****

so here goes nothing…

top sex types/positions for women:

1. the one with champagne, chocolates (as if this affects the sex in any way), rose petals sprinkled on the bedding, candles. …, Gerald butler is also there, and sometimes, your man leaves the two of you alone…and its just you and Gerald…

2. the one where im propped up on the kitchen counter, and its hot and sweaty and grimy and hes doing the dishes also, and vacuuming the floor,  and if he can’t multitask, he can do the dishes first…the kpanshing part is optional

3. missionary position (whoop whoop), why? because we get to lie on our backs, and suck in the belly fat, and we can move our arms in ways that seem to make us overly sexy, and he doesn’t get to grab the indian remi weave (best part), and the boobs look perky and ambitious, this position removes 10pounds guaranteed. its like live photoshop…

4. reverse cowgirl, reverse rocketboy, any position that can be reversed really…

5. the one where your comfortable enough to fart during sex without judgement. because really, if that option is not available, you’re just gonna b there, holding it in….thinking its just gonna pop out anytime, and that can be really traumatizing…*stops self from emotional breakdown*

6. the one where I’m with someone I love and who loves and respects me right back. when this happens time stops, puppies make cute sounds, you guys stare in each others eyes. some people go as far as saying they had more than sex, a deeper connection yadi yadi yadda. Or with the cucumber

top sex types/positions for men:

1. The one where he gets to have sex.

did i miss anything?

i’m in [heart] with a stripper…

7 Mar

*teleports in* heyya, sorry ive been super busy with [insert boring shit here]. I’m just here for a minute or two…

i think…

we should all strip for the people who bang us once in a while,

there is a difference between removing each other’s attire (i wanted to spell it “ataya”…) and stripping…like them hohos do it…using whipped cream….and a turkey baster…(im getting carried away….*cough)

so…put some overly romantic music on, throw on some clear heels (guys, you can throw on some clear heels if you like, whatever floats your boat), and proceed to take off your clothes in a way that if your parents found out, they will take you for deep deliverance…

*****RELEASE UR INNER HOE******

to do for the week:

strip to “hey mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind, hey mickey *clap clap* hey mickey *clap clap*“, I’m not quite sure how many calories you will burn but if you aren’t careful, you might end up hanging from a ceiling fan 😐

so the other day right, i was tryna release my inner ermmm ‘word i mentioned above’…cos i heard they have the most fun…

actually wait lemme play out the scenario

*words in the asterisks are my thought bubbles*

him: *removing his clothes and making funny sounds*

me: *this guy thinks i’m just gonna lie there and take it today, no no no*

him: hey baby *kiss* i’ve missed you sooooo bad, come here let daddy show you what he’s made off

me: *THE FUCK* ermmmm

him: *groans* *more groans* *more words that i swear i was not listening to*

me: *holy shit, how did i end up on my back again, this missionary thing will be the death of me…*

him: baby, u wanna climb on me

me: *this guy doesn’t know its impolite to talk while i’m tryna remember those kamasutra moves i googled yesterday* *climbs on top*

him: *more groans*

me: *so the site said i should put my left knee cap under the right hip bone….errr….and my shoulders are supposed to be arched and facing downward in a….ughh*

him: yea baby, just like that

me: wait wait *lemme just move him into a position where…..* OWWWW u r crushing my lungs *cough* gerrof me

him: but you are the one moving me about…blah blah yaddi yadda

me: shut up 😐 i’m tryna think *ungrateful brat, i’m here busting my balls…*

him: …

8 seconds later…

me: *HOLY FUCK, how did i end up in the missionary position again?!  this is some bullshit* *sigh*

ALLOW GOOGLING GUYS! ALLOW THAT SON OF A BITCH…*sigh*

i’m done with google’s guide to a better kpansh, i’m there busy tryna remember the third paragraph on the second page of cosmo on how to….mehn fuck that…

also, ‘thinking impedes orgasm’…FACT! ur man is there putting in work, doing some jack hammer austin powers stuvs that has got ur phone vibrating, tryna give you the big O, while you’re there lost in thought and then you wonder why you don’t cum…in the words of a very wise man…you are doing yourself!

i’m not saying dont spice it up o, mehn use bay leaves if you like….but people like me, who generally suck at basic shit, should just do it like they do on the discovery channel…

(i’m still gonna read that cosmosutra till i get it right, i will just insure my teeth and my bones first…)

p.s. i tot i should share a couple of google searches i came across (i did not google this i swear)-

“what can meth do to your vagina”

“mime porn”

“Midget porn (ironic capital M)”

“octopus porn”

“porn for the blind”…

😐

any stories u wanna share? what have you been googling? common guys… i promise i won’t judge….