i wonder what else is on tv *click, click, scratch, click*

18 Aug

i got lost people, i fucking got lost

dammit its a cold world out there booboos, like one minute i was walking into my wardrobe to pick out errmmm… stuff… and the next minute me and Aslan the Great Lion are having this conversation about raping hobos and the whole thing just got so confusing and i couldn’t find my way back..

for months..

and then i was like “help me obi wan kenobi, you are my only hope”, and he came looking fine as shit and well… we found another use for his lightsaber *sorry cucumber*

but still, i was scared as fuck, and none of you perverts came to look for me, and i was gonna leak my sex tape, i changed my mind, that’s what u get!!!

*blank stare*

so anyways, while i was in the canyons of good-luck-getting-out-ville, things grew and grew and this morning i looked down at myself and discovered that it’s a jungle down there, i wont be surprised if tarzan is swinging  his d*** from hair to longer hair down there right now.

i mean, i could die right now and how would they bury me? with unruly vag hair? i cant go out like that, and im not sure if there are razors in heaven, i havent received the nigerian’s guide to faaj in heaven yet… so…

i mean i could always just go get a brazilian but the last time i was there, you know how they put the wax on and you’re like oh FML and you clench your bum and the babe pulls the strip and out of nowhere, a huge fart emerges… like… that happened so many times to errmm… a person i know that the manager had to put an additional charge for inhaling dangerous fumes. i’m too broke for such lifestyle

and every time i use a razor right, its good for the first three hours and then you start itching like ‘the crabs are on tour in your vag’, i mean pulling your thong out of your ass is one thing, but trying to code a vag itch is quite another, when he’s on top of you and you put your hands down there to scratch, that’s the end… there’s no coming back from that people.

also, when the hair starts to grow back, which is like the fucking very next day, *facepalm* and its so sharp it’s wrecking the guy’s instrument during coitus (/ˈkō-itəs/:  who came up with this word?), i mean sharp enough that you can use it to slice yam, not that i’ve ever tried this before… i just walk around without pants in my kitchen, no big deal.

also, i just wanted to let you guys know that the story about the “burning bush” has absolutely nothing to do with setting your vag on fire, its is NOT a HAIR REMOVAL TECHNIQUE. don’t ask me how i know this, just know that there was weed involved and one of my mates holding a lighter was like “duuuuude do you know that hair burns really fast *giggle*”, and maybe chris was set on fire… still burns when i pee *cough*

so while we ponder about the depth of today’s post, remember that the hair is still growing and if i cant come up with a solution, i would wrap it in a bun …so if you see a bulge in my pants, it’s not a penis… #earlyonsetDISCLAIMER!!!

any one else in this same predicament?

also how do you feel about the infamous hairless penis? SERIOUSLY i need answers…. *sips jack daniels*


blow my whistle baby

p.s. new name for my band – 3OH!3MonthsWithoutGettingLaid, if you know how to play the strings, apply within *cough*

extra space for me….qui?

28 Jun

so i was having this conversation with a boy, maybe we were naked, maybe we werent, maybe we kpanshed…maybe we didnt…the devil is in the details people, so we were conversating (i prefer this word to conversing, i should patent it), and he asked me if i had ever had sex with a guy who has a huge dick… like….


*looks around room*, is this a trap? this boy is asking me if i had ever had sex with someone with a huge dick right after we may or may not have just had sex… can i exactly say no at his point while his weiner was looking me straight in the eye with that look of “woman, u better recognize…” :(,

tell a lie, im terrified of a mighty huge penis, like when i sex up that old spice guy, you know the “Hello, ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back at your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me” guy?

yeah, that guy, when we have sex right, its either his mandingo does not fit or its renders my vag stretched out like a football field, his instrument is similar to that of a horse (maybe that’s why he’s sitting on a horse),

so whats the fascination with it being huge?

but come to think of it, i haven’t seen a stretched out horse’s vagina also, which leads me to believe that 1) all vagina’s are not equal, 2) horse’s have great sex, 3) i want cake

so anyways, i dont think a big dick would stretch out a vjayjay, cos if the vagina pocket can spit out a 7pound breast sucking pervert, then it gats be elastic…..

so why is your vagina loose? you better check yourself…!

p.s. guy mentioned above, if you are reading this… we are meeting up tonite yh? my place or yours (i can use my blog to set p, sue me)

please leave a message after the *beeeeeeeeeeep*

1 Jun

dear milicent,

i have a serious dilema, my man cums too fast. and the sad part is that he has this super huge dick, and its curved to the side, and when i first saw it i was under the impression that he was gonna bang my brains out….please help.

ms. anti-cum-quat

as you may have noticed, i changed my name to milicent, i feel like the name speaks to my soul (either that or i hacked milicent’s email…believe what you want). this email is just one amongst tons i have received throughout my life, talking about the issue of a man and his sperm-timing, so lets get right to it shall we

there are prolly two types of men that get under my skin…

A) the ones that like to play “maybe i knacked u, maybe i didnt”. freaking frustrating, like why did u even bother. your long curved dick misled me and for that im going to sue, thats two seconds of my life im never getting back…TWO SECONDS. no but seriously guys, whats up with that? no one wants to play where’s waldo in bed, freaking get in and make yourself comfortable, take off your shoes, put the TV on… good things cum to those who wait…or are patient ….or something like that, dude i forgot.

or is your penis a russian spy?

or maybe its the vagina, maybe your anaconda *yeah right* is afraid of the vagina…. in that case you want to start attending “be the penis everyone wants you to be” classes…

B) post-mature ejaculation (a.k.a the act of just being plain ol’ gay). *side eye at igbo men* omyDAYSSSSSSS, we have been knacking for three hours now, and hes telling me “yeah, ‘oney…u like that”, no o, i have been praying “dear Lord, send down the cum…”. when we are not nacking for the olympics, some men are so impossible, they want to buy market and live there sef, like nucca i gotta go take a piss…hurry the fuck up.

once my friend told me her man cannot cum unless he touches himself after sex……..i dont think i can handle that o, so after everything, u…u mean to tell me….u mean to tell me….in this very lagos….nahhhhh

so whats the point of this post yeah?
wait before you go, have you ever been knaking and your weave falls off? no? me neither….

*sips sprite*

disclaimer: i am in no way affiliated with sprite, the product was purchased by myself for my own personal use.  thank you

(sorry bout the month+ delay, i have no reason…well except….nah, i got nothing)

hi saeon  and oyeboom *waves*

…u think i’m fly don’t ya?

28 Apr

YARRRRRRRRR sorry life called, they were outta lemons and we got into this huge argument….so ive been quite busy.

So yeah, as we all know, im the newest member of the association of people who cant get laid to save their life, some people like to call it fancy words like “celibacy” and/or “waiting for the right guy” *spit*, vagina does not condone such behavior…..she just gave me one month’s notice, u know the one where she is threatening to leave me and things, talking about how im a disappointment…she clearly hasn’t seen my awesome stamp collection…


deez gonna be a brief post on how to prevent ur hoohoo/junk from leaving you while you wait for mr./ms. are you gonna bang tho, again some people would call it masturbation tips, but not me…it doesn’t sound as classy.

first and foremost, you want to find somewhere quiet, cosy where you can handle you business like an expert, like a bedroom with locks, or the closet (try not to make eye contact with the gay folks hiding in there, or things might get a little weird)

next, you need to be in possession of something arousing, don’t be confined to the typical man’s playboy magazine, you can find sex in every book, a C++ textbook maybe…if you cant find a book, literally anything else would work just as well, if you add “cum” at the end, like if you have a used recharge card or robot chewing gum wrapper with the trivia questions on it….just add “cum”

(subtip – for females you need to have the right tool…dildos, cucumbers….envelope openers….. :|)

next, you can be aroused by any part of your body, so you have to find your erogenous (<big word) zones, like just yesterday i accidentally bumped my knee on the stool and…o…what do we have here … instant turn on….dont be afraid to explore


next, you need to relax your body, you can do this by listening to calming music….i recommend MI’s African rapper no1 track, works wonders! in your relaxed state, just move to the rhythm, do what feels natural (#teamnashura), well except ur likely to end up in the hospital with a nailpolish up ur ass…don’t do that guys, doesn’t end well…

another very important tip, don’t get caught! well unless you like getting caught, then get caught! But make sure ur in a classy position, like crossing your legs and pointing ur little finger out and things….

if zeus didn’t want us to masturbate, he wouldn’t have given us opposable thumbs


p.s. lemme know if i’m missing any valuable tips…

p.p.s I AM EXTREMELY JOBLESS 😛 (just incase you couldn’t tell, i submitted my dissertation, thanks for (NOT) asking :|)


to fly or to fall…

20 Apr

im prolly not gonna broadcast this post, or proof read it for that matter, its just rolling of the top of my head and for some reason, this is its exit…

the fear of failure sucks, it. just. sucks. so. hard.

i find faults in everything i do, i instantly hate everything i do, i am a chief worrier (i think this position should come with a gun and a badge, but those police folks are playing hard ball)

and im not even talking about relationships, cos i never win there, apparently its something with the way the sun reflects on my hair that makes me look like a ho….. i just dont understand it

but yeah,

the truth of the matter is that i prolly need to grow up (but i would never start using capital letters, that shit is for the birds)…or something like that, and get used to falling and getting back up again as opposed to falling and dying there which is kinda how i operate,

anyways, i decided to call my paranoia ‘Ben’, since he’s gonna be here for a while… say hi to Ben guys….

dont call me crazy.


alpha male…not

5 Apr

i tried….i really tried to concentrate on my dissertation but i really just wanna kill my supervisor….

so here i am, again, sharing my random austin powers awesomeness with you guys…yea baby, yea

…dont even try to front like that just didn’t turn u on 😐

so as usual, i carried out proper research you know, with US military funding and the works and below are the top list of things you shouldn’t joke about with your man

his mother – yeah i know she’s a )(&^%$%* and you just can’t understand why she gives you those looks especially since you’ve done nothing wrong to her but telling him that his mother is a bitch will never be funny. trust me. even when you tell him that it was just a joke trying to laugh it off, it wont still be funny. and then you would pay for this during sex…he would cum in like 2 seconds and roll over and sleep. may God punish you ejiro….dick *cough

so where were we…

that time he made out with a he-she by accident in the club *insert heavy laughter*, you should never ever joke about this especially when you know he only said it cos he was drunk and told you this “in confidence” (< igbo name), its even less funny when you slip it in the middle of dinner prayers at his friends house “dear Lord, please forgive…..” maybe cos i was laughing so hard i didnt get to tell the punch line, *sigh*

furthermore (<yes, this is a project word) you should not joke about his food, no your man would not think this is funny, telling him “better say your grace before eating that food”, *name withheld* “oh yeah bitch, IS THAT HOW IT IS NOW, UR TRYNA POISON ME…NO, NO I HAVE TAKEN SUCH GOOD CARE OF YOU, AND U GON PLAY ME LIKE THAT, ITS OVER BITCH…BITCH”, the female: “eh yo, chill men, we at nandos remember….i didnt even touch ur food…..o_O!

also you should not joke about cunnilingus, especially how better his friend is at cunnilingus. Mainly because men don’t actually know what “cunnilingus” means. Then you have to explain that it’s cun·ni·lin·gus (kŭnˌə-lĭngˈgəs), latin for “eating the hoohoo”. And not only is your joke ruined because explaining jokes is just a buzzkill, also he’s angry at you now because you’re cheating on him with his friend, like I don’t know why that is such a big deal. Or maybe he already knew what cunnilingus meant and he’s irked because you just explained it which now makes him feel like a fool. Hell, im just as confused as you are, I had no idea why lanre got angry, like does he think im a mind reader? *sigh*

and yea his penis – unless you’re making a joke about how massive it is, and how “OMG YOUR SHIT IS SO HUGE, IT WONT FIT”, yea that’s fine…cos yeah, they can’t read sarcasm during sex, all the blood has left their brain…, don’t say things like “you’ve got cancer….of the penis”, that’s only funny in your mind (and to the rest of the world).

finally. im taller than you. *name withheld*

so what pisses your man…woman…(insert object) off? what does your partner do that pisses you off?

p.s. i don’t have a partner anymore, some people just can’t take a joke….*sips sprite*


4 Apr

what have I done…*I could feel my heart pounding the walls of my chest, almost as if it also was trying to get away from me* I looked around the room, the glare from the street light outside looked eerie, mocking me….I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself, all I could see was his face, his eyes, haunting me…

“common don’t be a loser yemi” bisola told me, “its deji’s birthday, finally I get to be in the same room with him without it being considered stalking and God knows you are coming with me”

“dude, why do you want me there” I asked her, “I’m literally no fun, I do not drink or smoke or shag for that matter….yes o, call it what u want, im saving myself for marriage and im so not interested in changing that tonite”

“Look, she said, you got invited, I didn’t, his brother likes you, for god know what reason….and you get to bring a guest…. so if not for anything, do it for me, I haven’t been with someone inna hot minute and…..”

*blah blah blah I thought to myself, bisola could talk for hours, I might as well just give in and go…anything to shut this girl up…maybe ill slip out of the party early…yes, that’s what il do…..* ok bisola oooo, I have heard, il come……

the sound of the music was driving me crazy, immediately we got here, bisola had vanished and I had been sitting alone in the corner gawking for the longest time now…I looked down at the drink leke, deji’s brother had brought me, we had had an argument earlier and he eventually convinced me that one drink wouldn’t hurt… I was so over this party, I had some econometrics problems to solve in the morning…I took one last gulp of the drink, I couldn’t taste the alcohol so yeah, it wasn’t that bad…grabbed my purse and tried to find my footing…*wow, what the hell, why in the world is my head spinning* I thought as I left the party

*one step in front of the other, just keep walking yemi* I could hear footsteps behind me but I refused to turn back…. as I felt the pain come jolting through my back, my face hit the pavement

“Ouch stop that, you’re hurting me….pls…PLEASE”, I struggled “I have done nothing wrong I yelled, I HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG”….i whimpered as I blacked out again

*no yemi, you have been through this once before, you cannot let yourself be a victim again, my mind spun as I thought of all the nights my stepdad would sneak into my room and have his way with me, he would ram his cock up me so hard with one hand over my mouth, he would explode inside me and leave me there, shaking, every night….NO, I CANT LIVE THROUGH THIS AGAIN* as he struggled to pull his pants down, I pushed the man off me and ran, I had no idea where the hell I was, out one door and through the next I could hear his footsteps chasing right after me…I looked around the room, there was a table…I ran towards it, and grabbed whatever my hand could reach, he grabbed me, spun me around as the object in my hand came crashing down his neck….once, twice, thrice….i stabbed it….him, over and over till I could no longer feel anything

*the bloody envelope opener fell from my hand and hit the floor as the reality of what i had just done hit me*

Leke’s lifeless eyes looked up at me, his blood splattered everywhere…i stood there shaking, the door to the room creaked further as a person walked in, face hidden in the shadows, calm, crooked, cold….

*please God where the hell am I*

old McDonald had a farm *whistling*

28 Mar

soooooo i promised i would bring my ass back and chat some randoms for a minute….here goes

i did something last week, i was bored, so i got up…. went into the shower and did something that made me feel empowered…. (im not telling…..)

also, try not to ask me about the meaning of this post, just don’t…

i was doing my google rounds as i always do… typing in random shit and tryna be as unproductive as i possibly could when i stumbled onto a page that said “How to Increase Your Semen Production”……WAIT how to increase what????

and then i proceeded to spend the next 5mins of my life reading about semen enhancers talking about “how to shock a woman with your enormous semen production” and all i could think of was “end times yo, rapture is fast approaching”

hi guys, if you’re reading this, lemme just clarify yeah, we actually DO NOT want that, errr yeah i know u r doing this for us and its the thought that counts or is it action speaks louder than words or whatever but try chill please… the fact that you want to drown your partner/lover/side chic with bucket-loads of semen is making me want to embrace lesbianism. with open arms.

…unless you’re in the porn industry and in that case, leave your name and number below, i have a couple of questions….maybe we can errr meet up *cough*

i have never heard a woman complain that “the sex would be a whole lot better if only he made more semen”….never, and trust me, in my many many years on this earth i have heard a lot of women complain about the absolute dumbest shit ever….but never that.

if anything, if you guys could stop producing semen until we actually need it, that would be great, i mean seriously…fucking up my sheets and shit, after sex, y’all be saying “im not sleeping on that side of the bed”, huh? nucca who’s dna is dat? and it does not exactly taste like lollipops and sunshine now does it? just quit it already

if you are not quite sure of things women would prefer rather than having “enhanced semen” chucked on them, we would prefer




poison ivy,

boiling acid,

damn near anything is better than that!

(and if ur too broke, doing the house chores for a week would also be appreciated)

no one needs bucket loads of semen, vagina does not condone such behavior

thank me later


p.s again the title makes no sense but writing “stop producing semen” as a title would make me appear mad

p.p.s i know you missed me. *nods* i can tell by that sudden erecti….(i should stop now)

fcuk angry birds*

23 Mar

sorry guys X_X i’ve been super busy with my dissertation and i cannot multitask for shit, im having a problem mono-tasking sef, so i haven’t been able to write a post

but i should be done with my project soon (in my mind), so hopefully i’l have a post for u guys asap


its my one month blogiversary *insert carlton dance here*

…the wait

16 Mar

the alarm goes off into the darkness

thoughts of you come flooding in

eyes barely open but I can see it so clearly

your curves hover over me, arching and moving in perfect symphony

to the sound of inaudible music playing from a source unknown

in the bleeding cold,

the heat is unbearable,

sweats dripping from my unreal forehead

bodies becoming slaves to the pressures of passion

and we embrace the pain, we welcome it,

we invite it almost with open arms

to the perfect balance of each other,

we hold on for the explosive calmness looming ahead


eyes wide open now,

reality’s claws digging into my flesh…deep

to live just on images of my mind,

curves unknown, paths never treaded before

to be nourished by pleasures absent

silhouettes of shadows….

everything turns to darkness under broad daylight

each passing second turning into an eternity of wait

challenging gravity, my mind wanders off again

from your buttocks up through your spine

to the place where authenticity meets fantasy


shivers under the duvet,

soon, i told myself…. soon